The heated tone of the primary season has claimed another casualty as a Maine man seeks to divorce his partner after learning that she plans to vote Democratic, and for Bernie Sanders at that.
“Talk about betrayal,” fumed Prescott Harris, of Eastport, Maine. “Clarissa promised to love, honor, and obey, not vote for some socialist Jew.”
Prescott Harris made headlines last year when he was the first man in New Hampshire granted a license to marry Clarissa, his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle. Although not the first person to wed his firearm, his was the first officially sanctioned by a sitting governor. According to sources at the time, Governor Paul LePage approved nineteen unconventional marriage licenses in the wake of the US Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage. “I figure everything’s up for grabs,” growled LePage. “What’s the difference. Might as well let people marry their goddammed Chevy Tahoes.”
Harris and Clarissa were married in a small church service attended by close friends, family, and a hundred and five firearms. He told the press that Clarissa “hadn’t left his side for years” and that he planned to spend the rest of his life with her.
Until, that is, he found out that she was a registered Democrat.
“Sanders’ position on gun control is much more moderate,” said Clarissa. “He understands the differences between rural and urban environments. His approach just seems to make more sense than the Republican ticket. They’re tripping over each other to promise everyone can be with their guns all the time. I mean, sometimes I just wanna be left alone, you know?”
Harris was particularly upset because his normal reaction to things that make him angry is to go shoot trees in the woods with Clarissa.
“I had to use one of the kids, goddamn it,” he said, brandishing a Glock that he and Clarissa adopted last fall. “Had to take him right outta school. But I couldn’t wait.”
It is the first time anyone has tried to divorce a gun, and the NRA is watching the case closely.
“Didn’t know they got a vote,” said NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, casting a nervous sidelong glance at the Magnum 357 who serves as his secretary. “Maybe there’s a few things we oughta rethink here.”