British Lament Cultural Decline Following Battle of Hastings

To many in Great Britain, the uproar over Meghan Markle’s comings, goings, and indeed existence are no surprise; the country has, in the eyes of many, been ‘contaminated’ by outsiders for far too long. “Make Britain Great Again” founder Basil Carville claims that all of Britain’s problems can be traced to the arrival of undesirable immigrants.

“Really, I don’t mean to state the obvious, but it’s all the fault of the French,” sniffed Basil as he sternly looked at presumably Gallic undesirables walking down the street in broad daylight. “When that William chap came over in 1066, we should have known things were going to get sticky. Arrow in the eye or not, King Harold should definitely not have been so soft-hearted as to allow the Normans to just barge in here and screw things up with their soft cheeses and their wines and their slack Continental morality.”

“Harold,” growled Sir Henry Bobbington Wexler the Third, “was himself part of the problem.” Sir Henry, who runs “Make Britain *Really* Great Again,” contends that if it weren’t for the “goddamned Vikings” who were unwelcome arrivals along the British shores during the ninth century, everything would have been “right as rain” afterwards and Britain wouldn’t be dealing with Brexit or Megxit today.

“Screw the Vikings,” huffed Benedict Plumpington Ossifer the Ninth, co-founder of “Britain: It’s Not Just A Name You Ninnies.” “It was those damn Saxons who came over in the sixth and seventh centuries. Mark my word, those Germanic pretenders on the throne today wouldn’t be there if only the Saxons had kept to themselves. Windsor, my foot. I know a Saxe-Coburg when I see one.”

“Saxons! Pish tosh,” groused the Lady Annabelle Grazingstoke Beanenpole Persimmony, who isn’t part of any organization but keeps her doors locked at all times. “Everything went to hell when the Romans got here in 55 B.C. You can’t trust an Eye-talian. A swarthy people, and their cuisine is both garlicky and lascivious.”

The only thing that Britons agree upon is that it’s definitely all someone’s fault, and that whoever it is certainly isn’t British.


Americans Struggle to Understand Or Care About Brexit


Faced with headlines screaming about the dire implications of Brexit, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union, Americans across the nation struggled mightily to understand what the fuss is all about.

“I know this is important, because Brexit is the most important meal of the day,” said Brittany Jessup, a junior in public policy at NYU, making a cute frown that caused a little vertical line between her impeccably groomed eyebrows. “And I like English Brexit, because they always have a lot of bacon and stuff. But Brunch is better, because of the mimosas.”

“Whatever the Brits do, ain’t no concern of ours,” said Charles McGinty, a truck driver from Chicago. “So, like, the Europeans were all invading and stuff, and the Brits said, hell with youse guys! And I respect that, even though the Brits are pansies with those fake accents. Who are they fooling, anyway? Huh?”

“Sounds to me like the English are taking a page from our book,” smirked Ebenezer Horlock, an insufferable hipster from Ashland, North Carolina. Ebenezer then twirled the end of his waxed mustache dramatically and took a deep drag on his vaping whatchamacallit, and that’s when I hit him, so I don’t know if he had anything more to say.


“I think the British have been misled by populist fear mongering,” said Melissa Yurt sadly, a ten-year-old girl running a lemonade stand in the Fila Horchata suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona. “It can be difficult to conduct a  thoughtful debate about issues which are both complex and racially charged in the context of a public referendum. I think one could argue that it was unfortunate that the British government opted to put such a vulnerable and important issue up for public vote.”

This reporter cannot take Yurt’s comments seriously, because the lemonade was warm, and honestly, if you can’t even keep the drinks cold, why should anyone listen to you?