Americans Struggle to Understand Or Care About Brexit

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Faced with headlines screaming about the dire implications of Brexit, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union, Americans across the nation struggled mightily to understand what the fuss is all about.

“I know this is important, because Brexit is the most important meal of the day,” said Brittany Jessup, a junior in public policy at NYU, making a cute frown that caused a little vertical line between her impeccably groomed eyebrows. “And I like English Brexit, because they always have a lot of bacon and stuff. But Brunch is better, because of the mimosas.”

“Whatever the Brits do, ain’t no concern of ours,” said Charles McGinty, a truck driver from Chicago. “So, like, the Europeans were all invading and stuff, and the Brits said, hell with youse guys! And I respect that, even though the Brits are pansies with those fake accents. Who are they fooling, anyway? Huh?”

“Sounds to me like the English are taking a page from our book,” smirked Ebenezer Horlock, an insufferable hipster from Ashland, North Carolina. Ebenezer then twirled the end of his waxed mustache dramatically and took a deep drag on his vaping whatchamacallit, and that’s when I hit him, so I don’t know if he had anything more to say.

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“I think the British have been misled by populist fear mongering,” said Melissa Yurt sadly, a ten-year-old girl running a lemonade stand in the Fila Horchata suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona. “It can be difficult to conduct a  thoughtful debate about issues which are both complex and racially charged in the context of a public referendum. I think one could argue that it was unfortunate that the British government opted to put such a vulnerable and important issue up for public vote.”

This reporter cannot take Yurt’s comments seriously, because the lemonade was warm, and honestly, if you can’t even keep the drinks cold, why should anyone listen to you?