Puffins Aren’t Goddamn Playing Around Anymore

Sick and tired of their natural habitat melting away while the world debates whether global warming is politically convenient, arctic fauna everywhere have apparently decided that if the ice floes vanish, they’re gonna goddamned take over further south.

“The little fuckers got organized,” said frantic Maine resident Jean Snow. “They got drill sergeants and banners and trumpets and little fucking axes. Bastards will take your kneecaps off if you let them!”

Biologists raised a collective eyebrow at the sight of organized hordes of heavily armed arctic waterfowl swamping outlying towns along the northern borders of Canada and the US, but said there’s little point in studying the phenomenon or doing anything about it.

“There’s no money for field research, and if there were, there are no policymakers interested in reading about research,” said Harvard biology professor Gunther Yott. “And frankly I’m rooting for the puffins.”

Observers speculate that early reports of individual, starving polar bears and seals and whatnot were actually part of a deliberately staged intelligence gathering strategy. The polar bears now seen are wearing kevlar and carrying surface-to-air missiles.

When asked about the invasion, a White House representative scoffed at the notion that puffins are real.

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” sneered the staffer. “That’s a Photoshopped penguin if ever I saw one.”

Nation Not Impressed With Eclipse, Wants Refund

On August 21, the nation donned cardboard mirrored specs, stared into the sky for a while at a celestial event, and said “meh.”

“The effects were boring,” said Trey Fasslow, angrily slurping some sort of caramel frappucin0. “Nothing even exploded. Frankly, I’m way beyond disappointed.”

The people at Quinnipiac, tired of surveying people about the daily flaming trainwrecks of the Trump administration, asked people what they thought about the eclipse instead. Spoiled by multimillion dollar spectacles from Marvel and Disney, survey respondents found that the sight of the moon blocking the sun was barely worth the trouble of skipping work.

“Whatever America paid for this, it was too much,” said Fasslow, throwing his half-drunk latte on a passerby in disgust. “It’s no wonder we have such a huge national debt.”

NASA denied paying anything for the eclipse. Naturally, an anonymous White House spokesman promised a “full investigation of those deceitful NASA eggheads.”

This reporter tried to come up with a dramatic conclusion, but like the eclipse, this story is vaguely disappointing and you are probably sorry you clicked on it.

“At least you didn’t need special glasses to read it,” said I.