White Men Tired Of Occasionally Being Held Accountable For Their Actions

Tired by a steady trickle of media coverage in which privileged white men are sometimes almost held accountable for their actions, the wealthy white business community is up in arms.

“That Manafort fellow was actually convicted for just normal stuff,” huffed Gregory Porpentine, a hedge fund manager. “Of course you use offshore accounts and shell companies to vacuum up as much money as you can. It’s the American way. I have half a mind to call my Senator. Or I can just talk to him when we play golf this weekend.”

Worried that tens of affluent businessmen might be inconvenienced by suggestions that they owe anything to society, or should feel shame for their actions, old white men everywhere are harrumphing in earnest.

“What the hell do we pay these politicians for?” groused Kevin Tumbasen. “I don’t want to see the State Attorney General bothering my broker, or my caddy, or my perfectly legitimate business partner Sergei. Why aren’t they out there rounding up colored people for misdemeanors?”

For some, the solution has been to purchase local media outlets, to provide a more pleasing news environment free from unwarranted facts. There has also been a movement to outlaw the serving of subpoenas in golf clubs and any domicile worth at least $1.5 million.

“There have to be limits, by God,” said Porpentine. “People won’t put up with this for long.”

“That’s for damn sure,” muttered the waiter.

Puffins Aren’t Goddamn Playing Around Anymore

Sick and tired of their natural habitat melting away while the world debates whether global warming is politically convenient, arctic fauna everywhere have apparently decided that if the ice floes vanish, they’re gonna goddamned take over further south.

“The little fuckers got organized,” said frantic Maine resident Jean Snow. “They got drill sergeants and banners and trumpets and little fucking axes. Bastards will take your kneecaps off if you let them!”

Biologists raised a collective eyebrow at the sight of organized hordes of heavily armed arctic waterfowl swamping outlying towns along the northern borders of Canada and the US, but said there’s little point in studying the phenomenon or doing anything about it.

“There’s no money for field research, and if there were, there are no policymakers interested in reading about research,” said Harvard biology professor Gunther Yott. “And frankly I’m rooting for the puffins.”

Observers speculate that early reports of individual, starving polar bears and seals and whatnot were actually part of a deliberately staged intelligence gathering strategy. The polar bears now seen are wearing kevlar and carrying surface-to-air missiles.

When asked about the invasion, a White House representative scoffed at the notion that puffins are real.

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” sneered the staffer. “That’s a Photoshopped penguin if ever I saw one.”

Boy Scouts Fervently Trying To Build Time Machine

The Boy Scouts of America organization, facing outrage from current and former scouts following President Trump’s speech at the national Jamboree, is quietly investing enormous funds and effort into the rapid development of a time machine.

“Doesn’t have to be great, doesn’t have to include wifi, just has to get us back in time a little bit,” muttered a well-placed anonymous spokesman from the office of Boy Scouts of America. “Just a little goddamn bit.”

Trump addressed thousands of youths at the annual Jamboree, and to absolutely nobody’s surprise except, apparently, the management of the Boy Scouts, spent the entire speech fulminating about his political enemies, accusing President Obama of high crimes, and alluding to wild sex on yachts as a sign of success.

To the dismay of former scouts everywhere, the BSA has so far issued only a terse statement noting that the organization is “wholly non-partisan.” This has not been adequate for, well, anyone.

“I can’t think of a way to express my outrage,” said Irving Wensler, a former Eagle scout as far as you know. “Everything that can be said about this president has already been said. It’s quite depressing to spend time crafting a five-minute profanity-laden disparaging speech and then realize that someone at the Washington Post said the exact same thing a month ago.”

Although the secret BSA time travel research is not public yet, the known world is eagerly anticipating the results.

“Earn that damn ‘Fix History’ badge, boys,” said Wensler. “Earn that goddamn fucking badge.”

McDonalds Following United Customer Service Plan

Encouraged by United Airlines’ recent PR success, McDonalds has announced a new customer service initiative nicknamed “BFYTW”, for “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

“The customer has never been right in our book,” said McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook. “It’s the core of our business model. We express it in every way imaginable – the abysmal quality of the “food”, the dismal atmosphere, and the way we openly despise our own workforce. But United has shown us the crucial additional step of taking this message to the customer’s face.”

From now on, customers who order food at McDonald’s may or may not be allowed to finish their “meal” in peace. McDonald’s staff reserves the right to march up to the table and remove customers by force at any time.

“If we’re feeling playful we’ll call the local police to give us a hand,” said Easterbrook. “But I like the idea of giving our employees a rewarding physical outlet for their frustrations with life as a McDonald’s employee.”

A new line of commercials is currently in preparation in which Ronald McDonald will get real and cut a bitch.

“I think this is what Americans want,” said Easterbrook.

Netflix Doesn’t Have Enough Content To Cover Next 4 Years

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Millions of Americans have come to the shocking realization that there are almost 35,000 hours remaining in the Trump administration, but Netflix has fewer than 33,000 hours of content.

“Sweet Jesus, what am I going to do?” said Randy Spencer, a Netflix subscriber who did the math during the opening credits of Lost in Space. “That’s 2,000 hours of Trump’s time in office I have to consciously endure! I’m not sure I can handle more than 40 or 50!”

Spencer, like many Americans, is grimly resigned to the fact that the Republican-controlled Congress finds the current President so useful that it would not impeach the man even were he to fatally stab the French Prime Minister on live TV while simultaneously burning the original Declaration of Independence and verbally espousing pedophilia. Consequently, the Netflix addict has resigned himself to immersing his head in a digital hole until Trump’s term of office is over.

“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice. “Really, I’m not picky.”

Man Could Really Use A F*ing Win Right About Now

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Hector Garcia, a tax attorney from Des Moines, could really use a goddamn win right about now.

“First they elected a racist demagogue asshole to the White House,” said Garcia. “The next day, my car battery died. Then a coworker told me to ‘go home to Mexico’ even though I was born in Indianapolis. Then I got a really bad paper cut.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m trying to stay positive, man, but that paper cut really hurt.”

Garcia’s rising tide of incessant despair reached a crescendo Friday when his favorite lunch spot screwed up his burger order, despite the fact that Garcia has been a regular at the place for six years.

“That burger is like the best part of my week these days,” he said sadly. “It’s the only good thing remaining in my life. Those jerks know I’m allergic to tomatoes. There’s both ketchup and tomatoes on this. Could this year get any worse?”

Garcia, like many people, has taken to reading the news only in short bursts, reinforced with Xanax and a box of kittens he keeps around specifically to offset the negativity of world events.

“Ketchup and tomatoes both, man,” he repeated in a desolate monotone. “Ketchup and tomatoes both.”

 

 

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”

Fruitcake Voted Best Thing About 2016

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A booze-soaked log of gelatinous candied “fruits” embedded in chewy high-fiber has been unanimously voted the best thing to come out of 2016.

“This was a bit of a shock, since the fruitcake has lost out in the ‘best of’ voting for the past seventy five years,” said Austin Lamm, who manages the secretive voting process from his kitchen in Boise, Idaho. “In fact we mostly include the fruitcake on the ballot so people have something to rank lower than the norovirus they caught on that cruise. But this year surprised us all.”

Some cited the frantically cheerful colors of the candied fruits trapped within the unforgiving matrix of the stiff loaf like flies in amber as a sign of determined cheer in the face of impossibly dreary odds. Many cited the alcoholic content of the thing, which is sufficiently combustible to power a Ford Fusion for fifteen to twenty miles in case of emergency.

But most cited the grim durability of the fruitcake as its most inspirational quality.

“If this thing can survive nineteen years in my Aunt Gladys’ cupboard, maybe I can survive four years of a Trump presidency.” said Lamm. “Or at least maybe the fruitcake will. Regardless, there will be something left of our civilization to carry on.”

There isn’t enough f*king pumpkin spice in this latte for me to cope

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I’ve spent five fifty on this frothy thing, and I don’t feel I’m getting my goddamned money’s worth out of the transaction, if you’ll pardon my language.

The whole point of coming into this nouveau neo-hipster Pier 1-decorated coffee bar, with paintings by local artists proudly displayed in the hallway next to the bathroom, was to spend five minutes not thinking about what a fucked-up place this country has become. I just want the goddamned peace and tranquility that a pumpkin spice latte is supposed to bring, and it’s not doing the trick for me.

I know that true inner peace comes from meditation and lifestyle changes and if you’re dating a sugar daddy like Janine and can afford a trip to goddamned Tibet, you go spend a week with the Lama and get a fucking certificate and some beads, big deal, but hey. My enlightenment budget is limited to a fucking latte. So it had better goddamn well be a fucking transcendental experience of autumnal joy and comfort or you can forget about a tip to pay for your latest tattoo, barista girl.

The bottom line is, get the fucking pumpkin spice jar off the shelf and keep pouring that stuff on my latte. I can still see the goddamned foam, and my future evaporating along with it. FIX IT.

Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston Finally Free to Hook Up

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In a story which earned me a promotion and a timeshare in the Keys, it’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie the minute the news broke of Jolie’s separation from husband Brad Pitt, to arrange for a steamy and very naughty hookup.

“We’re both finally free of Brad,” Aniston is reported to have said, as she firmly dismissed whatever non-Brad Pitt fellow she’s been dating or whatever. “Let’s face it: Angie and I have so much in common.”

The Jolie-Aniston-Pitt romance triangle has been the bread and butter of tabloid magazines everywhere for a decade. The photogenic trio has been splashed over more covers than the Kardashians, with headlines increasingly far-fetched and desperate as the years rolled on and all the participants appeared to have moved on like mature adults.

“That whole happy marriage thing between Brad and Angie was a serious bummer,” said someone who looked like Perez Hilton while doing lines of coke in the bathroom of an Applebee’s. “You can only use the word ‘Brangelina’ so often. Christ, happiness is boring. I’m so glad their lives are fucked up now. And taking a sexy, sexy direction.”

None of the sources alleging the affair between Jolie and Aniston have been confirmed, although nearly all the fanfiction online that doesn’t involve Harry Potter or vampires (and about half that does) describes the two Hollywood divas getting it on in imaginative and occasionally biologically impractical ways.

“True, false, it doesn’t matter,” said my editor while visibly salivating over a fresh set of Photoshop layouts with the two women. “We’re in a post-journalistic world. All we need is a good portmanteau and a bunch of pictures of these sexy, sexy ladies. How does ‘angelaniston’ sound? Or ‘jennijolie’?”