The unrepentant terrorist commonly known as Peter “Boom Boom” Cottontail has once again strewn his dangerous wares in yards around the nation, causing widespread panic and pushing bomb squads to their limit as local law enforcement struggles to deal with the situation.
“Cottontail’s predictable, we expect him to strike according to his own bizarre calendar,” said Lieutenant Karl Lowry of the Chicago PD. “Every year, first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring season. But this year it seems especially bad. Damn things are everywhere.”
Cottontail is known for his colorful bombs, which are garishly decorated and about the size and shape of an egg.
“They’re not usually well-hidden, but there are so many of them,” groused Lowry, grimacing as he watched a bomb-defusing robot carefully scoop a handful of the treacherous orbs into a kevlar-lined barrel. “We just don’t know how the bastard does it.”
Most perplexing to law enforcement is the fact that, although millions of the ovoid explosives are deposited in suburban lawns around the nation in literally a single night, Cottontail is commonly thought to work alone.
“Drones,” said Lowry. “I bet he uses drones.”
Although none of the orbs has ever exploded, law enforcement officials stress that families should stay indoors until the hazardous objects have been removed and disposed of properly.
“The worst part is how colorful and pretty the things are,” said Evelyn Wemple, a mother of three who stood huddled on her doorstep watching the bomb disposal unit tramp over her lawn until they gave the all-clear sign. “It’s almost as if Cottontail is trying to lure children to find them. What kind of sicko does that sort of thing?”
Thanks to years of practice, the bomb disposal teams across the nation expect to have the nation’s yards cleared of the fiendish devices by the end of the day.
“Until that time, we recommend everyone keep their kids indoors and away from anything colorful and egg-shaped,” said Lowry. “Can’t be too careful these days.”