On August 21, the nation donned cardboard mirrored specs, stared into the sky for a while at a celestial event, and said “meh.”
“The effects were boring,” said Trey Fasslow, angrily slurping some sort of caramel frappucin0. “Nothing even exploded. Frankly, I’m way beyond disappointed.”
The people at Quinnipiac, tired of surveying people about the daily flaming trainwrecks of the Trump administration, asked people what they thought about the eclipse instead. Spoiled by multimillion dollar spectacles from Marvel and Disney, survey respondents found that the sight of the moon blocking the sun was barely worth the trouble of skipping work.
“Whatever America paid for this, it was too much,” said Fasslow, throwing his half-drunk latte on a passerby in disgust. “It’s no wonder we have such a huge national debt.”
NASA denied paying anything for the eclipse. Naturally, an anonymous White House spokesman promised a “full investigation of those deceitful NASA eggheads.”
This reporter tried to come up with a dramatic conclusion, but like the eclipse, this story is vaguely disappointing and you are probably sorry you clicked on it.
“At least you didn’t need special glasses to read it,” said I.
One group, and one group only, was delighted to see white supremacists march on an American city in 2017 bearing Nazi flags: the roach population.
“This is great for us,” enthused Lars Creepington, a representative of the 1501st Roach Workers Union (Eastern NY). “Finally, there’s someone people can look down on more than us. It’s a PR dream come true.”
The roach population has long complained about a “serious PR problem” which they have blamed on a variety of conspiracy theories.
“Who wouldn’t want a friendly swarm of filth-eating insects gracing their home?” asked Creepington, staring at us with those weird-ass bug eyes and doing something unnerving with its antennae. “But people have always had it out for us for some reason. Now, they’re saying ‘at least our home isn’t infested with those goddamned Nazis who marched in Charlottesville.’ What a relief.”
It bears repeating that actual fucking Nazis marched on an American city, carrying literal goddamn swastikas and assault weapons; that they beat counter-protesters up, and killed and injured people by deliberately ramming a car into them, and that roaches did no such thing.
“If I have to choose between renting to a filthy, seething mound of disease-laden roaches wearing a trenchcoat in a futile attempt to appear human, and an actual fucking white supremacist nazi, I’m going with the mound of deceptive bugs,” said Ingrid Swanson, a landlady in Philadelphia.
On the issue of roaches versus racist nazis, President Trump issued a rambling statement indicating that “both sides are bad, but they’re both fighters, lemme tell ya.”