All right. It’s true that everyone with any seniority is home enjoying the holiday with their families. But I’m a real reporter too, dammit. And I’ll prove it with an awesome scoop that will be Pulitzer-ready.
I hear that holidays are when the government and big corporations tend to dump unflattering news, so I’m going through this pile of press releases with an eagle eye. I bet someone important was fired, like maybe Trump fired Nancy Pelosi. I bet he has no idea he can’t do that, and that if he tries, Fox News will find some pundit somewhere who thinks it’s legal, and the whole thing will go up to the Supreme Court.
Nothing good from the White House. Maybe Amazon did something nefarious, like set a warehouse on fire to motivate their workers! I bet that’s a thing Amazon would do. I have a reporter’s keen instincts: you can’t hide from me, Bezos!
I can’t find any press releases from Amazon either. All I’m seeing in this pile is stories about turkeys being adopted by families, or pardoned by local government officials, or deep-fried in dangerous ways. Maybe I’ll try some reporting from the street! I’m just gonna print myself a big pass that says “press” and stick it in my hatband. I’m also going to find a hat with a hatband so I can do that.
It’s taken me most of the day to find an appropriate hat, and now I’ve been walking the streets for hours. The only people out here are runners doing various Turkey Trots and they’re all moving so fast they don’t have time to talk to me. I haven’t run anywhere since gym class in the sixth grade, so I’m sure not going to catch any of them.
There’s a raccoon over here in a dumpster behind a Popeye’s Chicken. Maybe I can turn this into a feel-good story? Some kind of puff piece about Thanksgiving being a universal holiday that encompasses the natural world as well? A chicken is kind of turkey-sized relative to a raccoon. Maybe I can Photoshop a little pilgrim hat on the guy. (Note to self: Learn how to use Photoshop.)
I have no idea why the editor keeps assigning me to these lame holidays. Believe me: if I got to write a story on a weekday, it would be sensational.