Pokemon Go Players Accidentally Capturing Pets

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Players of the popular Pokemon Go game are accidentally capturing pets along with Pokemon, causing a nationwide panic and prompting Nintendo to disavow the actions of its players.

“We did not realize that so many American dog breeds strongly resemble the cute cartoonish monsters with which we populated the Pokemon Go virtual world,” said Nintendo Vice President Hitaro Arakida. “It’s your own damn fault. What did you do to these poor creatures to make them look like that?”

The Pokemon Go game is what’s called an ‘augmented reality’ game in which players see digital images superimposed on actual camera images of their environment. The terminology is considered questionable by experts who doubt that many players would recognize reality if it walked up and kicked them in the shins.

Pugs are particularly at risk of being mistaken for Pokemon, due to their enormous eyes, squashed misshapen faces, and slug-like bodies.

“I thought for sure it was some kind of potato monster,” said Brad Lovitz, who accidentally captured his neighbor’s pug Krystal Lite last week. “I wondered why it was so easy to catch.”

Captured pets are stored in “pokeballs”, little round digital spheres with no food, water, or bathroom facilities.

“Krystal stank to high heaven when I got her back!” fumed Wanda Rastin, whose pug is still “shaken” by the experience. “And now she runs away whenever she sees a ball. Well, waddles away. Okay, she sort of flops over and over in a given direction. But that’s how pugs roll, all right? They’re special! Who are you to judge them?”

Nintendo suggests that concerned pet owners keep their oddly proportioned animals inside for the next few months, until the public loses interest in the game.

“That doesn’t help,” said U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, “since other animals are at risk as well. Many Americans see so few animals in their normal lives that everything looks like a Pokemon to them.”

“I caught this big thing out on a farm that they tell me is a ‘cow’,” said Lovitz. “I mean, come on, what kind of name is that for a Pokemon?”

FBI: Clinton’s Real Crime Was Using AOL

"Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA."
“Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA.”

The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.

“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”

The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.

“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”

The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.

“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”

Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.

Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, the_real_trey_gowdy@aol.com.