The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.
“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”
The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.
“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”
The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.
“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”
Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.
Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, firstname.lastname@example.org.