Millions of Americans have come to the shocking realization that there are almost 35,000 hours remaining in the Trump administration, but Netflix has fewer than 33,000 hours of content.
“Sweet Jesus, what am I going to do?” said Randy Spencer, a Netflix subscriber who did the math during the opening credits of Lost in Space. “That’s 2,000 hours of Trump’s time in office I have to consciously endure! I’m not sure I can handle more than 40 or 50!”
Spencer, like many Americans, is grimly resigned to the fact that the Republican-controlled Congress finds the current President so useful that it would not impeach the man even were he to fatally stab the French Prime Minister on live TV while simultaneously burning the original Declaration of Independence and verbally espousing pedophilia. Consequently, the Netflix addict has resigned himself to immersing his head in a digital hole until Trump’s term of office is over.
“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice. “Really, I’m not picky.”
As the Trump Administration continued to fitfully spit out mind-boggling executive orders, a weary nation reflected that, for once, the government’s incompetence is avowedly and unreservedly a good thing for the country.
“At this point, it’s easier to count the number of executive actions Trump has made which are constitutional than unconstitutional,” said University of Chicago law professor Karen Stein. “The good news is that this means the bans on falafel and algebra can probably be ignored. The bad news is that there may not be enough federal judges available to properly process the sheer number of unconstitutional rules flying out of the White House.”
The White House appears to be publishing executive orders written by Breitbart magnate and Trump confidant Stephen Bannon without any reference to existing legal resources, the Constitution, or indeed even Wikipedia.
“It’s like Trump’s executive orders are alt-right fanfiction, written by a middle-schooler who failed US History,” said Stein with a horrified fascination. “If Trump’s people knew what they were doing, this would all be much, much worse.”
The ACLU is confident that virtually everything Trump has said or done can be successfully challenged in court. However, there is some concern that Trump’s unconstitutional actions will outstrip the ability of the courts to undo them.
“The Supreme Court can only deal with about 130 cases a year,” said Stein. “Trump’s already generated enough material for 45 cases, and he’s just a week in. This could get pretty ugly.”
Editors at famed satirical publication The Onion expressed frustration with the incoming Trump administration, complaining that the White House’s ludicrous actions were overtaking their best satirical efforts on an hourly basis.
“We had this great piece about Trump locking down the USDA because he didn’t agree with the way they evaluate Vitamin D,” said Onion editor Paul Olantro. “Then he goddamned well actually did it. So we came up with another piece about the EPA. And then he locked them down too. It’s a moving target – we can’t stay ahead of them.”
The Onion tried a lateral move, fabricating a feud between the White House and the manufacturers of an obscure niche ice cream product, but that move proved futile as well.
“We thought a feud with Dippin’ Dots was about as absurd a thing as you could ask for,” grumbled Olantro. “Dippin’ Dots for crying out loud. They’re the polka dots of the dessert world. Seemed safely ludicrous to us. We had some great comments from Area Man, too. But Sean Spicer already used them all.”
Some have theorized that the Onion may actually be predicting the future, or even inspiring the White House to new heights of lunacy. Olantro disputed such notions, but sources off the record indicate that the Onion is cautiously scrubbing planned stories about Trump starting a war with Canada and revoking the citizenship of everyone living in California.
“I never thought being a humorist would be so challenging,” said Olantro. “It’s almost like we’ve become actual journalists. Area Man would not approve.”
Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.
“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”
The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.
“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”
The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.
Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.
“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”
In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.
“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”
Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.
“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.
Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.
“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”
Vice Admiral Vivek Hallegere Murthy is urging people not to engage in drinking games during the second presidential debate tonight, arguing that thousands may be at risk of acute alcohol poisoning.
“I understand the temptation to take a shot whenever Trump says something misogynistic, or mentions that wall he wants to build, or insults a war veteran,” said Murthy. “But for God’s sake, the man’s gone off the rails. You’ll be dead within the hour if you do that.”
A surge of drinking-related casualties resulted from the first debate. Common drinking rubrics include drinking whenever Trump invents a new word, or claims he never said something which video evidence clearly indicates he did, or simply shouts “wrong!”
“Following this particular set of rules you’d be drinking an entire fifth of bourbon in the first twelve minutes of the debate,” said Murthy. “It’s just not safe, people.”
Some medical professionals argue that, on the contrary, it’s not safe to watch the debate sober, and caution that sensitive individuals “with a soul” should just avoid watching the debate altogether.
People from all walks of life have had it up to here with the media’s rampant insistence on reporting the news, however indirectly, according to a survey commissioned by the Huffington Post.
“When I check the news each morning, I expect to see favorable reviews of bands I like, tips on catching Mewtwo in Pokémon Go, and uplifting stories about dogs which think they are people,” said Courtney Barker, 28, of Baltimore. “It’s just election this and Aleppo that and something something salmonella FDA. Who cares about this crap?”
Analysts have been lambasting media outlets left and right for their increasing departure from traditional standards of ethical reporting, which has led to skewed and highly compartmentalized portrayals of contemporary politics and life events. However, they were surprised to learn that the general public wants less, not more, reporting.
“Sixty eight percent of survey respondents said they did not care whether we called out Donald Trump on his falsehoods, provided that we included a shocking picture of a Kardashian in the sidebar,” said Huffington Post news editor Freya Larson. “Look, we only did this survey to get our advertisers to take us seriously as a news outlet. We didn’t expect some newsworthy results like this.”
Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.
“On the one hand, the public’s rampant disinterest in what you might call ‘objective truth’ is a critically important issue that – hypothetically – warrants serious attention from reporters and policy makers alike,” said Larson. “On the other hand, that piece we ran about the panda bear with its own Twitter feed is going to get ten times the traffic as this story. So I’m just going to start drinking now, if you don’t mind.”
Ontological realists the world over greeted the HuffPo survey with gloom and a lot of bourbon. Metaphysical idealists, however, while optimistic about the results, asserted that the survey is no more valid an idea than anything else dreamed up about the world and that we should just all go about our business and stick to Facebook friends who validate our belief systems.
The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.
“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”
The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.
“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”
The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.
“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”
Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.
Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, email@example.com.
Faced with headlines screaming about the dire implications of Brexit, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union, Americans across the nation struggled mightily to understand what the fuss is all about.
“I know this is important, because Brexit is the most important meal of the day,” said Brittany Jessup, a junior in public policy at NYU, making a cute frown that caused a little vertical line between her impeccably groomed eyebrows. “And I like English Brexit, because they always have a lot of bacon and stuff. But Brunch is better, because of the mimosas.”
“Whatever the Brits do, ain’t no concern of ours,” said Charles McGinty, a truck driver from Chicago. “So, like, the Europeans were all invading and stuff, and the Brits said, hell with youse guys! And I respect that, even though the Brits are pansies with those fake accents. Who are they fooling, anyway? Huh?”
“Sounds to me like the English are taking a page from our book,” smirked Ebenezer Horlock, an insufferable hipster from Ashland, North Carolina. Ebenezer then twirled the end of his waxed mustache dramatically and took a deep drag on his vaping whatchamacallit, and that’s when I hit him, so I don’t know if he had anything more to say.
“I think the British have been misled by populist fear mongering,” said Melissa Yurt sadly, a ten-year-old girl running a lemonade stand in the Fila Horchata suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona. “It can be difficult to conduct a thoughtful debate about issues which are both complex and racially charged in the context of a public referendum. I think one could argue that it was unfortunate that the British government opted to put such a vulnerable and important issue up for public vote.”
This reporter cannot take Yurt’s comments seriously, because the lemonade was warm, and honestly, if you can’t even keep the drinks cold, why should anyone listen to you?
Legendary monarch Arthur has returned from the misty timeless isle of Avalon, claiming that the uncertainty about the nation’s future leadership has prompted him to step out of his mystical retirement to save the nation and take up the mantle of King once more.
“I said I’d come back when things got really bad, and here I am,” said Arthur, the gleaming hilt of Excalibur at his side. “Something about a Trump. What’s a Trump?”
The near-mythical king appeared bemused by the lack of armor on the Secret Service detail which immediately surrounded his horse. Also, he apparently hadn’t heard of the American Revolution.
“But you guys used to be English, right?” persisted the king. “I mean, my divine mandate to rule is God-given. You folks in these colonies here can’t just decide to take it back with a show of hands. And face it: I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me.”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump, fresh off a rally in which he declared that Canada “had to go” and that he would declare organic food illegal once elected, made six mutually conflicting statements about the return of England’s ancient leader on the White House lawn. After first declaring the English to be our oldest allies, then stating that they owed us “big time” for World War II and were a bunch of debt-dodging, unwashed slackers, he gave an appallingly inaccurate and insulting impression of an Englishman drinking tea and wetting himself.
“I know all the kings, the best kings,” said Trump. “I’m basically a king myself, you know. Trump Tower is a lot nicer than Buckingham Palace which, by the way, is mostly filled with little dogs. This Arthur guy, I don’t know who he is, he’s certainly not as rich as me. Just look at his hair.”
President Obama welcomed the confused monarch into the White House, where the two sat in the Oval Office over mugs of ale and commiserated about being unappreciated. The President apparently explained numerous things to Arthur’s satisfaction (including television, basketball, and the election cycle), because afterwards the once and future king stated that he was going on a vacation before the election, to see what had changed in the United Kingdom and America since his disappearance in 468 A.D.
Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton sent Arthur an enormous fruit basket and asked if he would consider running as Vice-President on her ticket.