US Presidential Race Prompts Return of King Arthur

King Arthur returns to rule the land.
“Things are worse than I thought.”

Legendary monarch Arthur has returned from the misty timeless isle of Avalon, claiming that the uncertainty about the nation’s future leadership has prompted him to step out of his mystical retirement to save the nation and take up the mantle of King once more.

“I said I’d come back when things got really bad, and here I am,” said Arthur, the gleaming hilt of Excalibur at his side. “Something about a Trump. What’s a Trump?”

The near-mythical king appeared bemused by the lack of armor on the Secret Service detail which immediately surrounded his horse. Also, he apparently hadn’t heard of the American Revolution.

“But you guys used to be English, right?” persisted the king. “I mean, my divine mandate to rule is God-given. You folks in these colonies here can’t just decide to take it back with a show of hands. And face it: I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me.”

Presidential candidate Donald Trump, fresh off a rally in which he declared that Canada “had to go” and that he would declare organic food illegal once elected, made six mutually conflicting statements about the return of England’s ancient leader on the White House lawn. After first declaring the English to be our oldest allies, then stating that they owed us “big time” for World War II and were a bunch of debt-dodging, unwashed slackers, he gave an appallingly inaccurate and insulting impression of an Englishman drinking tea and wetting himself.

“I know all the kings, the best kings,” said Trump. “I’m basically a king myself, you know. Trump Tower is a lot nicer than Buckingham Palace which, by the way, is mostly filled with little dogs. This Arthur guy, I don’t know who he is, he’s certainly not as rich as me. Just look at his hair.”

President Obama welcomed the confused monarch into the White House, where the two sat in the Oval Office over mugs of ale and commiserated about being unappreciated. The President apparently explained numerous things to Arthur’s satisfaction (including television, basketball, and the election cycle), because afterwards the once and future king stated that he was going on a vacation before the election, to see what had changed in the United Kingdom and America since his disappearance in 468 A.D.

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton sent Arthur an enormous fruit basket and asked if he would consider running as Vice-President on her ticket.