British Lament Cultural Decline Following Battle of Hastings

To many in Great Britain, the uproar over Meghan Markle’s comings, goings, and indeed existence are no surprise; the country has, in the eyes of many, been ‘contaminated’ by outsiders for far too long. “Make Britain Great Again” founder Basil Carville claims that all of Britain’s problems can be traced to the arrival of undesirable immigrants.

“Really, I don’t mean to state the obvious, but it’s all the fault of the French,” sniffed Basil as he sternly looked at presumably Gallic undesirables walking down the street in broad daylight. “When that William chap came over in 1066, we should have known things were going to get sticky. Arrow in the eye or not, King Harold should definitely not have been so soft-hearted as to allow the Normans to just barge in here and screw things up with their soft cheeses and their wines and their slack Continental morality.”

“Harold,” growled Sir Henry Bobbington Wexler the Third, “was himself part of the problem.” Sir Henry, who runs “Make Britain *Really* Great Again,” contends that if it weren’t for the “goddamned Vikings” who were unwelcome arrivals along the British shores during the ninth century, everything would have been “right as rain” afterwards and Britain wouldn’t be dealing with Brexit or Megxit today.

“Screw the Vikings,” huffed Benedict Plumpington Ossifer the Ninth, co-founder of “Britain: It’s Not Just A Name You Ninnies.” “It was those damn Saxons who came over in the sixth and seventh centuries. Mark my word, those Germanic pretenders on the throne today wouldn’t be there if only the Saxons had kept to themselves. Windsor, my foot. I know a Saxe-Coburg when I see one.”

“Saxons! Pish tosh,” groused the Lady Annabelle Grazingstoke Beanenpole Persimmony, who isn’t part of any organization but keeps her doors locked at all times. “Everything went to hell when the Romans got here in 55 B.C. You can’t trust an Eye-talian. A swarthy people, and their cuisine is both garlicky and lascivious.”

The only thing that Britons agree upon is that it’s definitely all someone’s fault, and that whoever it is certainly isn’t British.


US Presidential Race Prompts Return of King Arthur

King Arthur returns to rule the land.
“Things are worse than I thought.”

Legendary monarch Arthur has returned from the misty timeless isle of Avalon, claiming that the uncertainty about the nation’s future leadership has prompted him to step out of his mystical retirement to save the nation and take up the mantle of King once more.

“I said I’d come back when things got really bad, and here I am,” said Arthur, the gleaming hilt of Excalibur at his side. “Something about a Trump. What’s a Trump?”

The near-mythical king appeared bemused by the lack of armor on the Secret Service detail which immediately surrounded his horse. Also, he apparently hadn’t heard of the American Revolution.

“But you guys used to be English, right?” persisted the king. “I mean, my divine mandate to rule is God-given. You folks in these colonies here can’t just decide to take it back with a show of hands. And face it: I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me.”

Presidential candidate Donald Trump, fresh off a rally in which he declared that Canada “had to go” and that he would declare organic food illegal once elected, made six mutually conflicting statements about the return of England’s ancient leader on the White House lawn. After first declaring the English to be our oldest allies, then stating that they owed us “big time” for World War II and were a bunch of debt-dodging, unwashed slackers, he gave an appallingly inaccurate and insulting impression of an Englishman drinking tea and wetting himself.

“I know all the kings, the best kings,” said Trump. “I’m basically a king myself, you know. Trump Tower is a lot nicer than Buckingham Palace which, by the way, is mostly filled with little dogs. This Arthur guy, I don’t know who he is, he’s certainly not as rich as me. Just look at his hair.”

President Obama welcomed the confused monarch into the White House, where the two sat in the Oval Office over mugs of ale and commiserated about being unappreciated. The President apparently explained numerous things to Arthur’s satisfaction (including television, basketball, and the election cycle), because afterwards the once and future king stated that he was going on a vacation before the election, to see what had changed in the United Kingdom and America since his disappearance in 468 A.D.

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton sent Arthur an enormous fruit basket and asked if he would consider running as Vice-President on her ticket.