British Lament Cultural Decline Following Battle of Hastings

To many in Great Britain, the uproar over Meghan Markle’s comings, goings, and indeed existence are no surprise; the country has, in the eyes of many, been ‘contaminated’ by outsiders for far too long. “Make Britain Great Again” founder Basil Carville claims that all of Britain’s problems can be traced to the arrival of undesirable immigrants.

“Really, I don’t mean to state the obvious, but it’s all the fault of the French,” sniffed Basil as he sternly looked at presumably Gallic undesirables walking down the street in broad daylight. “When that William chap came over in 1066, we should have known things were going to get sticky. Arrow in the eye or not, King Harold should definitely not have been so soft-hearted as to allow the Normans to just barge in here and screw things up with their soft cheeses and their wines and their slack Continental morality.”

“Harold,” growled Sir Henry Bobbington Wexler the Third, “was himself part of the problem.” Sir Henry, who runs “Make Britain *Really* Great Again,” contends that if it weren’t for the “goddamned Vikings” who were unwelcome arrivals along the British shores during the ninth century, everything would have been “right as rain” afterwards and Britain wouldn’t be dealing with Brexit or Megxit today.

“Screw the Vikings,” huffed Benedict Plumpington Ossifer the Ninth, co-founder of “Britain: It’s Not Just A Name You Ninnies.” “It was those damn Saxons who came over in the sixth and seventh centuries. Mark my word, those Germanic pretenders on the throne today wouldn’t be there if only the Saxons had kept to themselves. Windsor, my foot. I know a Saxe-Coburg when I see one.”

“Saxons! Pish tosh,” groused the Lady Annabelle Grazingstoke Beanenpole Persimmony, who isn’t part of any organization but keeps her doors locked at all times. “Everything went to hell when the Romans got here in 55 B.C. You can’t trust an Eye-talian. A swarthy people, and their cuisine is both garlicky and lascivious.”

The only thing that Britons agree upon is that it’s definitely all someone’s fault, and that whoever it is certainly isn’t British.