Man Afraid of Iowa Caucus Conclusion, “Can’t Remember Life Before It”

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Terrence Haston, 32, has been campaigning for a variety of Republican candidates nearly all his adult life. Now that the 2016 Iowa Caucuses are finally here, he is finding that life after the Caucus consists of a terrifying and unknown future.

“We’ve been focusing on Iowa forever,” lamented Haston, who lit a cigarette with shaking hands as he stood outside the Ted Cruz campaign headquarters in Urbandale. “All our efforts have been focused on this single moment. Nothing else has mattered. But it never occurred to me to wonder what would come next.”

Unlike in many countries, where election season is limited to a period of weeks or months, American election seasons are virtually limitless. The main limitation on campaigns has traditionally been a lack of funds, but thanks to the Citizens United decision by the US Supreme Court, spending is now no object and legions of unknown corporate cabals are feverishly pumping millions into the coffers of anyone whose agenda is remotely compatible with theirs, or who seems especially corruptible.

“They punish us for watching shows that aren’t on Fox,” Haston whispered. “They ripped out all the pages from my Far Side calendar after February 1. I left my wife and sold my house to pay for these flyers,” he said, showing a set of fear mongering mailers which threaten jail time and eternal damnation, or both, for people who don’t participate in the Caucuses. “It was all worth it, Ted said. He promised me!”

It is unlikely, in point of fact, that Haston has been campaigning for the Iowa Caucuses his entire life, as he is only ten years younger than Ted Cruz. However, like most millennials, he has the attention span of a goldfish and relies on Fox reruns and Google for his long-term memory.

When asked whether he considered that Ted Cruz might go on to win the election, Haston scoffed.

“C’mon. I’m not delusional.”

Rubio Shoots at Megyn Kelly, Still Loses Debate

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Marco Rubio, in a bid to establish himself as the toughest guy on the podium, shot the moderator six times at the most recent Republican debate.

“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”

Moderator Megyn Kelly, who was wearing body armor underneath her blouse and tight skirt, was largely unharmed and continued to moderate the debate after Rubio’s attack.

“Roger Ailes has us all wear body armor,” said Kelly after the debate. “It’s the same stuff he wears himself. You can never be too paranoid, Roger says. But I was surprised Rubio was the first to shoot. I’ve been waiting for Trump to pull a gun on me for months.”

The other candidates on stage condemned Rubio for jumping the gun, so to speak.

“It was widely known that I was planning to shoot Megyn at the halfway mark,” sniffed Cruz. “Rubio doesn’t have an original idea in his head. And I was gonna use armor-piercing bullets with an automatic weapon, like the kind you cook bacon with.”

Despite being the first to shoot, Rubio was widely considered to have lost the debate, as pundits called his shooting both ineffective and in poor taste.

“Rand Paul was the real winner,” said Washington Post political affairs correspondent Maria Green. “He took out his six-shooters, spun them around like Annie Oakley, and spelled out ‘USA’ with bullets in the ceiling. That’s patriotic showmanship. Next to Paul, Rubio just looked like a thug.”

Lackluster underdog Jeb Bush muttered something about responsible gun use while he fumbled with a pearl-handled Derringer, which was apparently stuck in its holster.