Woodchuck Refuses FOIA Request

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Woodchuck “Chuck” Dubois has told petitioners that they can take their Freedom of Information Act request and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

“The quantity of wood I chuck is my own damn business,” snorted Dubois. “This is racism pure and simple. Nobody’s asking Obama how many goddamned pieces of wood he chucked, or whether he could chuck them in the first place.”

Dubois contends that his wood chucking activities are completely irrelevant to his job performance as Undersecretary of the Interior in charge of Arborial Product Aerial Dissemination.

“APAD isn’t just about the airborne relocation of wood and wood-related products,” said Dubois. “It’s about educational outreach, and meetings, and important government contracts! Leave me alone!”

The FOIA request was filed by Gwen Hawkins, age 7, of P.S. 35 in Staten Island, New York. The request was part of a nature project submitted to the science fair.

“I want to know if, how much, what the woodchuck chucks, and also what chuck means, and what is a woodchuck,” said Gwen in an exclusive interview with CBS News. “It looks like a gerbil, but it’s too big.”

“I am not a damn gerbil!” yelled Dubois, pounding the podium. “This FOIA request is illegal! I deny its legitimacy! I deny everything!” The agitated Undersecretary then picked up the wooden podium and tossed it across the stage before disappearing down a hole.

“Looks like about five and a half feet,” said a reporter, measuring the distance from the place where Dubois was standing and the resting place of the podium.

Gwen used the figure in her science project, but did not answer the question of whether or not woodchucks are large gerbils. It is unknown if she earned a passing grade.

Awkward Questions as Rick Snyder Wins Both Michigan Primaries

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Pundits on both sides of the aisle were speechless when Governor Rick Snyder won both the Republican and Democratic primaries in Michigan, despite not being on either ballot.

“The people have clearly spoken,” said the extremely unpopular Snyder, who seemed to be stalling for time at an impromptu press conference outside his office today. “And what they’ve said is, um, they’re really happy with the job I’m doing.”

“They’re not,” snorted political analyst Mitch Greenberg of the Chicago Times. “Snyder’s one step away from being lynched. For chrissake, they’ve had to put in a goddamned moat with piranhas around Snyder’s house to keep the angry mobs at bay.”

Snyder has taken incessant flak for his mishandling of the Flint water crisis, in which he set up an administration which caused the entire city’s water supply to be poisoned, covered up and suppressed evidence of the problem for a year, and then denied both the need for Federal aid and the need to spend any of Michigan’s own rainy-day fund to address the issues. The main reason he hasn’t been arrested yet is that a sitting governor hasn’t been arrested since the Whisky Rebellion and nobody is sure how to do it.

“What appears to have happened,” said Greenberg, “is an unexpected sneak preview of the next time Snyder is up for re-election, or a recall election or whatever. This is what happens when you use voting machines that run Windows XP.”

The Democratic National Committee expressed dismay, and demanded an immediate and lengthy investigation. The Republican National Committee loudly expressed shock and anger, and quietly asked Snyder if they could borrow his IT guys for the fall election.

 

Trump Announces Search for “More American” First Lady

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Republican frontrunner Donald Trump has decided that his wife, a Slovenian ex-model, might not be the right first lady for him.

“I love Melania, she’s the best, very classy,” said Trump in hour seven of his daylong press conference on Tuesday. “The best body, she’s got the best parts. But you know, she’s got the accent thing going, and whatever, but I think for the White House we need a homegrown American first lady.”

Trump has been repeatedly criticized by media observers for his wholesale and frequently racist condemnation of immigrant groups. His supporters, however, have embraced Trump’s xenophobic meanderings, and it is likely because of this that the presidential candidate is considering whether to trade in his Slavic wife for a home-grown model.

“Trump likes the Slavic ladies,” said writer Kent Wilshire, who wrote the unauthorized Trump biography ‘All That’s Gilded Sure as Hell Isn’t Gold.’ “Melania’s just the latest. Remember Ivanka? And then there was Marla Maples… She was actually a mistake – Trump met Marla on the set of a James Bond movie where she was playing a KGB spy with a heavy Russian accent.”

Trump was said to have expressed aggravation at having just sold his stakes in the Miss USA competition.

“That was a great competition, that was super, a great supply of lovely girls every year, great talent pool,” said Trump. “You know, in case I needed a pretty girl, I already had a list of the best. Shouldn’t have sold that. Shoulda kept them around, you know, in case I needed to pick a new first lady or whatever.”

It’s unclear how Trump plans to find his new first lady, though he has vowed to apply his usual taste in doing so.

“A Trump first lady needs to be classy,” he said. “She’s gotta have the height, the beauty, the skin. A great Midwestern accent. Tatas. The whole nine yards. Someone who’ll look great on the red carpet.”

It’s unclear whether Melania is aware of Trump’s plans, or if he even plans to divorce her before taking up with a new first lady.

“There’ll be plenty of room in a Trump White House,” said Trump. “She wants to stay, no reason she can’t. We can work out a sleeping arrangement. She may not like it, but these are minor details.”

 

 

Kal-El Doesn’t Think Super Tuesday Is So Goddamned Super

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The self-styled Man of Steel is feeling bitter about so-called Super Tuesday.

“Not even a freaking phone call, man,” said Kryptonian immigrant Kal-El, who changed his name to Clark Kent when he arrived at Ellis Island. “The Times said I ‘wasn’t available for comment’. I was totally available. Cellphone on and everything. This is lame.”

The invulnerable vigilante takes a dim view of the American political process, which he feels has lately been ‘yanking his chain’ and ‘messing with him.’

“I’m supposed to stand for truth, justice, and the American way,” burped the alien as he downed another shot of Johnny Walker. “Nowadays who the fuck knows what that means? I gotta check my Twitter feed every day just to figure out where the nation’s moral compass is pointing. Changes every goddamned thirty minutes, or every time one of these jackholes running in the primaries opens their goddamned mouth.”

Kent is particularly irked by the increasingly vitriolic anti-immigrant rhetoric that has become par for the course in the Republican primary.

“Who exactly am I taking jobs away from?” fumed Kent. “What natural-born American heroes are standing up to save the planet from asteroids and alien invasions and shit? Most of the heavy hitters are immigrants like me. Wonder Woman’s Greek, you know, despite the stars and stripes on her costume. Aquaman is some kind of weird Atlantis guy – I guess that’s Greek too, isn’t it? And don’t get me started on Martian Manhunter. Who’s actually American-born? The Flash? I didn’t see him fighting those sixty-foot atomic robots last week. Batman? Guy’s a joke, and psychotic to boot. He’s like the superhero equivalent of Donald Trump – all branding and money.”

Kent denied rumors that he was considering legal action for trademark infringement of his name, but warned reporters that he was getting pretty fed up with the whole circus.

“First asshole that tries to make me pay for a wall on the border,” said Kent, cracking open another bottle, “gets a free one-way-ticket into orbit, courtesy of my foot.”

 

Reince Priebus Can’t Believe He Wasted Third Wish On Sandwich

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With the unexpected death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus is dismayed at having wasted his last wish from that genie on a sandwich.

“I’d already wished for wealth and power,” lamented Priebus, desperately polishing the lamp containing the genie. “A sandwich handmade by Cleopatra and Hillary Clinton seemed like the logical choice for my third wish! Who could have foreseen the loss of a conservative justice so soon?”

Scalia, a reliably conservative justice with a sharp intellect and scathing wit, was the vocal cornerstone of the Supreme Court’s conservative half. Without that third wish to bring Scalia back from the dead, or maybe turn Ruth Ginsburg into a Libertarian or something, Priebus has realized that his party is royally screwed.

“My hotline from the Koch Brothers’ office lit up the minute Scalia’s death was announced,” Priebus whispered, rubbing the lamp even harder and peering desperately out the door of his office. “They’re the ones who gave me the lamp, you know. I haven’t had the nerve to answer yet.  I buried the hotline phone out back. It won’t stop ringing!”

Priebus declined to comment on whether the sandwich was worth it or not.

 

Pharma-Bro Shkreli Announces Presidential Bid During Super Bowl

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The most reviled person in America demonstrated both balls and the existence of hidden offshore bank accounts when he dropped $5 million on a Super Bowl ad in which he announced his candidacy for President.

“You want a leader who can stand up to Washington?” said the smarmy sociopath in the ad. “C’mon. I just spent two hours giving Congress the middle finger to its face. Literally. I make Trump look like an amateur.”

Shkreli came to the public’s attention last year for notoriously hiking the price of a long-established drug by five thousand percent “because.” Since then he’s stayed in the limelight for first offering a half-hearted promise to lower the price, then reneging on that promise, then getting indicted for fraud, then blowing $2 million on a Wu Tang Clan album.

“He’s like a living click-bait generator,” grinned Carmine Frankowski, politics editor at BuzzFeed. “It’s marvelous. He keeps topping himself with new feats of dickery. The only thing this story doesn’t have is a hot girlfriend, maybe a porn star or something, you know, a hot ass we can put up next to Shkreli’s punchable face. Then the story would achieve maximum internet gravity.”

Shkreli’s announcement came as a surprise to everyone, not least because the entirety of his campaign organization seems to consist of the Super Bowl ad. Nonetheless, he immediately rocketed up in the polls past every Republican candidate and is projected to win New Hampshire by 30 points, despite not actually being on the ballot.

Democratic hopefuls Clinton and Sanders declined to comment on Shkreli’s candidacy, though Sanders offered to “punch the putz in the face” as a public service.

“On the one hand, he doesn’t have any policy positions, other than just being a dick,” said statistician Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com. “On the other hand, that’s sort of become the main qualification for being a Republican candidate this election cycle.”

“My Gun is Voting for Bernie Sanders: I Want a Divorce”

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The heated tone of the primary season has claimed another casualty as a Maine man seeks to divorce his partner after learning that she plans to vote Democratic, and for Bernie Sanders at that.

“Talk about betrayal,” fumed Prescott Harris, of Eastport, Maine. “Clarissa promised to love, honor, and obey, not vote for some socialist Jew.”

Prescott Harris made headlines last year when he was the first man in New Hampshire granted a license to marry Clarissa, his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle. Although not the first person to wed his firearm, his was the first officially sanctioned by a sitting governor. According to sources at the time, Governor Paul LePage approved nineteen unconventional marriage licenses in the wake of the US Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage. “I figure everything’s up for grabs,” growled LePage. “What’s the difference. Might as well let people marry their goddammed Chevy Tahoes.”

Harris and Clarissa were married in a small church service attended by close friends, family, and a hundred and five firearms. He told the press that Clarissa “hadn’t left his side for years” and that he planned to spend the rest of his life with her.

Until, that is, he found out that she was a registered Democrat.

“Sanders’ position on gun control is much more moderate,” said Clarissa. “He understands the differences between rural and urban environments. His approach just seems to make more sense than the Republican ticket. They’re tripping over each other to promise everyone can be with their guns all the time. I mean, sometimes I just wanna be left alone, you know?”

Harris was particularly upset because his normal reaction to things that make him angry is to go shoot trees in the woods with Clarissa.

“I had to use one of the kids, goddamn it,” he said, brandishing a Glock that he and Clarissa adopted last fall. “Had to take him right outta school. But I couldn’t wait.”

It is the first time anyone has tried to divorce a gun, and the NRA is watching the case closely.

“Didn’t know they got a vote,” said NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, casting a nervous sidelong glance at the Magnum 357 who serves as his secretary. “Maybe there’s a few things we oughta rethink here.”

Man Afraid of Iowa Caucus Conclusion, “Can’t Remember Life Before It”

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Terrence Haston, 32, has been campaigning for a variety of Republican candidates nearly all his adult life. Now that the 2016 Iowa Caucuses are finally here, he is finding that life after the Caucus consists of a terrifying and unknown future.

“We’ve been focusing on Iowa forever,” lamented Haston, who lit a cigarette with shaking hands as he stood outside the Ted Cruz campaign headquarters in Urbandale. “All our efforts have been focused on this single moment. Nothing else has mattered. But it never occurred to me to wonder what would come next.”

Unlike in many countries, where election season is limited to a period of weeks or months, American election seasons are virtually limitless. The main limitation on campaigns has traditionally been a lack of funds, but thanks to the Citizens United decision by the US Supreme Court, spending is now no object and legions of unknown corporate cabals are feverishly pumping millions into the coffers of anyone whose agenda is remotely compatible with theirs, or who seems especially corruptible.

“They punish us for watching shows that aren’t on Fox,” Haston whispered. “They ripped out all the pages from my Far Side calendar after February 1. I left my wife and sold my house to pay for these flyers,” he said, showing a set of fear mongering mailers which threaten jail time and eternal damnation, or both, for people who don’t participate in the Caucuses. “It was all worth it, Ted said. He promised me!”

It is unlikely, in point of fact, that Haston has been campaigning for the Iowa Caucuses his entire life, as he is only ten years younger than Ted Cruz. However, like most millennials, he has the attention span of a goldfish and relies on Fox reruns and Google for his long-term memory.

When asked whether he considered that Ted Cruz might go on to win the election, Haston scoffed.

“C’mon. I’m not delusional.”

Rubio Shoots at Megyn Kelly, Still Loses Debate

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Marco Rubio, in a bid to establish himself as the toughest guy on the podium, shot the moderator six times at the most recent Republican debate.

“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”

Moderator Megyn Kelly, who was wearing body armor underneath her blouse and tight skirt, was largely unharmed and continued to moderate the debate after Rubio’s attack.

“Roger Ailes has us all wear body armor,” said Kelly after the debate. “It’s the same stuff he wears himself. You can never be too paranoid, Roger says. But I was surprised Rubio was the first to shoot. I’ve been waiting for Trump to pull a gun on me for months.”

The other candidates on stage condemned Rubio for jumping the gun, so to speak.

“It was widely known that I was planning to shoot Megyn at the halfway mark,” sniffed Cruz. “Rubio doesn’t have an original idea in his head. And I was gonna use armor-piercing bullets with an automatic weapon, like the kind you cook bacon with.”

Despite being the first to shoot, Rubio was widely considered to have lost the debate, as pundits called his shooting both ineffective and in poor taste.

“Rand Paul was the real winner,” said Washington Post political affairs correspondent Maria Green. “He took out his six-shooters, spun them around like Annie Oakley, and spelled out ‘USA’ with bullets in the ceiling. That’s patriotic showmanship. Next to Paul, Rubio just looked like a thug.”

Lackluster underdog Jeb Bush muttered something about responsible gun use while he fumbled with a pearl-handled Derringer, which was apparently stuck in its holster.