Trump Announces Search for “More American” First Lady

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Republican frontrunner Donald Trump has decided that his wife, a Slovenian ex-model, might not be the right first lady for him.

“I love Melania, she’s the best, very classy,” said Trump in hour seven of his daylong press conference on Tuesday. “The best body, she’s got the best parts. But you know, she’s got the accent thing going, and whatever, but I think for the White House we need a homegrown American first lady.”

Trump has been repeatedly criticized by media observers for his wholesale and frequently racist condemnation of immigrant groups. His supporters, however, have embraced Trump’s xenophobic meanderings, and it is likely because of this that the presidential candidate is considering whether to trade in his Slavic wife for a home-grown model.

“Trump likes the Slavic ladies,” said writer Kent Wilshire, who wrote the unauthorized Trump biography ‘All That’s Gilded Sure as Hell Isn’t Gold.’ “Melania’s just the latest. Remember Ivanka? And then there was Marla Maples… She was actually a mistake – Trump met Marla on the set of a James Bond movie where she was playing a KGB spy with a heavy Russian accent.”

Trump was said to have expressed aggravation at having just sold his stakes in the Miss USA competition.

“That was a great competition, that was super, a great supply of lovely girls every year, great talent pool,” said Trump. “You know, in case I needed a pretty girl, I already had a list of the best. Shouldn’t have sold that. Shoulda kept them around, you know, in case I needed to pick a new first lady or whatever.”

It’s unclear how Trump plans to find his new first lady, though he has vowed to apply his usual taste in doing so.

“A Trump first lady needs to be classy,” he said. “She’s gotta have the height, the beauty, the skin. A great Midwestern accent. Tatas. The whole nine yards. Someone who’ll look great on the red carpet.”

It’s unclear whether Melania is aware of Trump’s plans, or if he even plans to divorce her before taking up with a new first lady.

“There’ll be plenty of room in a Trump White House,” said Trump. “She wants to stay, no reason she can’t. We can work out a sleeping arrangement. She may not like it, but these are minor details.”

 

 

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Author: Gene Laughton

Dealer of snark, writer of truths, drinker of drinks.