Ladies, you know the drill. You weather report calls for snow, you get the dreaded call at 6 fucking o’clock in the morning. Yes, the district has wimped out again and closed the schools because of “inclement weather.” Your two (three? four? who can count?) little darlings are yours.
All. Day. Long.
Well, you’ve been proposing that they buy some goddamned school buses with four wheel drive at every PTA meeting all year, so it’s not like you didn’t try. To the point: the day stretches out ahead of you, golden with opportunity, the city plowed your driveway in again, and you’re out of the most important parenting tool of all. That’s right, your goddamned sister drank the last bottle of fucking Riesling when she came by last weekend.
Don’t panic! There are many things you can do to make the day educational, fun, and tolerable. The key is optimism and planning!
First: feed your lovely offspring. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because it will distract the little fuckers while you scour the cabinets for something besides Riesling. For a fun breakfast activity, try the following recipe:
- A one-pound bag of M&Ms (or marshmallows, or a box of Lucky Charms)
- A large bag of frozen peas (Legos will work if you don’t have peas, or nails. Be creative! Anything small and numerous will do)
Mix together in a big pile on the kitchen table. Tell the kids they can eat all the candy they can pick out of the pile. (Be sure to mix well!) This will buy you a good thirty minutes. (If your kids are too good at this, slow them down by requiring them to use chopsticks.) Meanwhile, you can break out the Merlot, because this early in the morning your taste buds are still asleep and you can still stand the cloying crap.
Now you’ve survived the early morning, and your kids are gazing with shining sugar-hyped eyes out the window at the magical white stuff covering the world. Share in the beauty of the moment while you quickly stuff them into their snowsuits! Vicariously participate in their wonder as you shove them out the door! The next hour will be an excellent time to work on the Zinfandel while you keep an eye on things through the window. (Be sure to lock the doors so your children don’t get tempted to cut short their outdoor time!)
After that, it’s time to pop Frozen into the DVD player. Which is a failsafe plan because 1) as a parent of children under the age of 10 there is 100% chance you have at least one copy of this movie, and 2) Elsa has magical powers which compel even the most jaded of young video addicts to more or less watch the movie no matter how many times they’ve seen it. There isn’t really a good wine that goes with Frozen, but by this point you’re down to the Shiraz, and let’s face it, you’ll be too busy trying to get “Let It Go” out of your brain to pay attention to what you’re drinking. This is serious business, so let it go and bottoms up!
You may notice that a few hours of your afternoon may disappear somehow, but that’s not a problem, it’s a goal. When you wake up, count the kids. All there? Terrific! Celebrate with a little Two Buck Chuck. You normally use this stuff to clean the grill, but you’re in hour nine thousand of the day and it’s either that or drink the vanilla extract. (Which you may do anyway. Go ahead. We won’t judge you.)
All good things must come to an end! Twilight twinkles on the frost-covered earth, the children are stuffed with chicken nuggets and tucked into bed, and you can settle in for a relaxing cozy evening with your hubby.
Unless the bastard forgot to pick up more Riesling, in which case send the fucker back out into the snow for more. There are limits, after all.