Marco Rubio, in a bid to establish himself as the toughest guy on the podium, shot the moderator six times at the most recent Republican debate.
“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”
Moderator Megyn Kelly, who was wearing body armor underneath her blouse and tight skirt, was largely unharmed and continued to moderate the debate after Rubio’s attack.
“Roger Ailes has us all wear body armor,” said Kelly after the debate. “It’s the same stuff he wears himself. You can never be too paranoid, Roger says. But I was surprised Rubio was the first to shoot. I’ve been waiting for Trump to pull a gun on me for months.”
The other candidates on stage condemned Rubio for jumping the gun, so to speak.
“It was widely known that I was planning to shoot Megyn at the halfway mark,” sniffed Cruz. “Rubio doesn’t have an original idea in his head. And I was gonna use armor-piercing bullets with an automatic weapon, like the kind you cook bacon with.”
Despite being the first to shoot, Rubio was widely considered to have lost the debate, as pundits called his shooting both ineffective and in poor taste.
“Rand Paul was the real winner,” said Washington Post political affairs correspondent Maria Green. “He took out his six-shooters, spun them around like Annie Oakley, and spelled out ‘USA’ with bullets in the ceiling. That’s patriotic showmanship. Next to Paul, Rubio just looked like a thug.”
Lackluster underdog Jeb Bush muttered something about responsible gun use while he fumbled with a pearl-handled Derringer, which was apparently stuck in its holster.