Kal-El Doesn’t Think Super Tuesday Is So Goddamned Super


The self-styled Man of Steel is feeling bitter about so-called Super Tuesday.

“Not even a freaking phone call, man,” said Kryptonian immigrant Kal-El, who changed his name to Clark Kent when he arrived at Ellis Island. “The Times said I ‘wasn’t available for comment’. I was totally available. Cellphone on and everything. This is lame.”

The invulnerable vigilante takes a dim view of the American political process, which he feels has lately been ‘yanking his chain’ and ‘messing with him.’

“I’m supposed to stand for truth, justice, and the American way,” burped the alien as he downed another shot of Johnny Walker. “Nowadays who the fuck knows what that means? I gotta check my Twitter feed every day just to figure out where the nation’s moral compass is pointing. Changes every goddamned thirty minutes, or every time one of these jackholes running in the primaries opens their goddamned mouth.”

Kent is particularly irked by the increasingly vitriolic anti-immigrant rhetoric that has become par for the course in the Republican primary.

“Who exactly am I taking jobs away from?” fumed Kent. “What natural-born American heroes are standing up to save the planet from asteroids and alien invasions and shit? Most of the heavy hitters are immigrants like me. Wonder Woman’s Greek, you know, despite the stars and stripes on her costume. Aquaman is some kind of weird Atlantis guy – I guess that’s Greek too, isn’t it? And don’t get me started on Martian Manhunter. Who’s actually American-born? The Flash? I didn’t see him fighting those sixty-foot atomic robots last week. Batman? Guy’s a joke, and psychotic to boot. He’s like the superhero equivalent of Donald Trump – all branding and money.”

Kent denied rumors that he was considering legal action for trademark infringement of his name, but warned reporters that he was getting pretty fed up with the whole circus.

“First asshole that tries to make me pay for a wall on the border,” said Kent, cracking open another bottle, “gets a free one-way-ticket into orbit, courtesy of my foot.”


Harper Lee’s Death Spells Trouble for Upcoming DC Universe Movies


The death of noted author Harper Lee has thrown DC Entertainment into a panic as apparently the struggling comics behemoth had just signed a $50 million contract with Lee’s representative to plot out the next six DC movies.

“Every book Lee wrote became a classic,” said visibly frustrated DC vice president Harmon Greene. “For Christ’s sake, we just wired the goddamn money on Monday. She couldn’t have stuck around for at least the first draft?”

DC has been struggling to turn its iconic comic book characters into a profitable multi-film ‘extended universe’, delaying projects for years, making questionable casting and creative decisions, and generally failing to impress anyone. DC has also announced that the recent “New 52” overhaul, in which they rebooted virtually every comic title they publish, has been a “mistake” and that the company is seeking to re-reboot again. Harper Lee was an integral part of this strategy.

“She was gonna write the script for the Justice League movie, get the project out of development hell,” said Greene, slamming back a shot of bourbon. “Where else are we gonna find a writer with the chops to bring this together? I hear Hemingway’s good. Is he still around?”

DC has floundered as rival comic company Marvel has soared in recent years. With every record-breaking movie Marvel released, from Iron Man to Guardians of the Galaxy, DC executives tore their hair out and tried to reverse-engineer Marvel’s success.

“Iron Man was a D-level hero, and a fucking alcoholic to boot,” fumed Greene. “And so was Robert Downey Jr. for that matter. What the fuck happened? How are they making money off this? Did they make a deal with the devil? Cause we’re ready to deal, man. Lucifer, my door is always open to you.”

Critics have argued that DC’s real problems are limited creative vision and a total lack of understanding on the company executives’ part of what makes their heroes popular.

“Hiring Harper Lee is sort of an example of just how much DC doesn’t get it,” said noted film critic Jeffrey Toobin. “Ten to one someone in the DC offices thought she was related to Stan Lee.”

“She’s not?” said Greene, his mouth agape. “Oh, fuck. Maybe it’s a good thing she died.”