The self-styled Man of Steel is feeling bitter about so-called Super Tuesday.
“Not even a freaking phone call, man,” said Kryptonian immigrant Kal-El, who changed his name to Clark Kent when he arrived at Ellis Island. “The Times said I ‘wasn’t available for comment’. I was totally available. Cellphone on and everything. This is lame.”
The invulnerable vigilante takes a dim view of the American political process, which he feels has lately been ‘yanking his chain’ and ‘messing with him.’
“I’m supposed to stand for truth, justice, and the American way,” burped the alien as he downed another shot of Johnny Walker. “Nowadays who the fuck knows what that means? I gotta check my Twitter feed every day just to figure out where the nation’s moral compass is pointing. Changes every goddamned thirty minutes, or every time one of these jackholes running in the primaries opens their goddamned mouth.”
Kent is particularly irked by the increasingly vitriolic anti-immigrant rhetoric that has become par for the course in the Republican primary.
“Who exactly am I taking jobs away from?” fumed Kent. “What natural-born American heroes are standing up to save the planet from asteroids and alien invasions and shit? Most of the heavy hitters are immigrants like me. Wonder Woman’s Greek, you know, despite the stars and stripes on her costume. Aquaman is some kind of weird Atlantis guy – I guess that’s Greek too, isn’t it? And don’t get me started on Martian Manhunter. Who’s actually American-born? The Flash? I didn’t see him fighting those sixty-foot atomic robots last week. Batman? Guy’s a joke, and psychotic to boot. He’s like the superhero equivalent of Donald Trump – all branding and money.”
Kent denied rumors that he was considering legal action for trademark infringement of his name, but warned reporters that he was getting pretty fed up with the whole circus.
“First asshole that tries to make me pay for a wall on the border,” said Kent, cracking open another bottle, “gets a free one-way-ticket into orbit, courtesy of my foot.”