Woodchuck Refuses FOIA Request


Woodchuck “Chuck” Dubois has told petitioners that they can take their Freedom of Information Act request and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

“The quantity of wood I chuck is my own damn business,” snorted Dubois. “This is racism pure and simple. Nobody’s asking Obama how many goddamned pieces of wood he chucked, or whether he could chuck them in the first place.”

Dubois contends that his wood chucking activities are completely irrelevant to his job performance as Undersecretary of the Interior in charge of Arborial Product Aerial Dissemination.

“APAD isn’t just about the airborne relocation of wood and wood-related products,” said Dubois. “It’s about educational outreach, and meetings, and important government contracts! Leave me alone!”

The FOIA request was filed by Gwen Hawkins, age 7, of P.S. 35 in Staten Island, New York. The request was part of a nature project submitted to the science fair.

“I want to know if, how much, what the woodchuck chucks, and also what chuck means, and what is a woodchuck,” said Gwen in an exclusive interview with CBS News. “It looks like a gerbil, but it’s too big.”

“I am not a damn gerbil!” yelled Dubois, pounding the podium. “This FOIA request is illegal! I deny its legitimacy! I deny everything!” The agitated Undersecretary then picked up the wooden podium and tossed it across the stage before disappearing down a hole.

“Looks like about five and a half feet,” said a reporter, measuring the distance from the place where Dubois was standing and the resting place of the podium.

Gwen used the figure in her science project, but did not answer the question of whether or not woodchucks are large gerbils. It is unknown if she earned a passing grade.