Awkward Questions as Rick Snyder Wins Both Michigan Primaries


Pundits on both sides of the aisle were speechless when Governor Rick Snyder won both the Republican and Democratic primaries in Michigan, despite not being on either ballot.

“The people have clearly spoken,” said the extremely unpopular Snyder, who seemed to be stalling for time at an impromptu press conference outside his office today. “And what they’ve said is, um, they’re really happy with the job I’m doing.”

“They’re not,” snorted political analyst Mitch Greenberg of the Chicago Times. “Snyder’s one step away from being lynched. For chrissake, they’ve had to put in a goddamned moat with piranhas around Snyder’s house to keep the angry mobs at bay.”

Snyder has taken incessant flak for his mishandling of the Flint water crisis, in which he set up an administration which caused the entire city’s water supply to be poisoned, covered up and suppressed evidence of the problem for a year, and then denied both the need for Federal aid and the need to spend any of Michigan’s own rainy-day fund to address the issues. The main reason he hasn’t been arrested yet is that a sitting governor hasn’t been arrested since the Whisky Rebellion and nobody is sure how to do it.

“What appears to have happened,” said Greenberg, “is an unexpected sneak preview of the next time Snyder is up for re-election, or a recall election or whatever. This is what happens when you use voting machines that run Windows XP.”

The Democratic National Committee expressed dismay, and demanded an immediate and lengthy investigation. The Republican National Committee loudly expressed shock and anger, and quietly asked Snyder if they could borrow his IT guys for the fall election.