Gene Laughton – Page 3 – The Canard Press

Onion Forced To Rewrite Story Six Times To Stay Ahead of Reality

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Editors at famed satirical publication The Onion expressed frustration with the incoming Trump administration, complaining that the White House’s ludicrous actions were overtaking their best satirical efforts on an hourly basis.

“We had this great piece about Trump locking down the USDA because he didn’t agree with the way they evaluate Vitamin D,” said Onion editor Paul Olantro. “Then he goddamned well actually did it. So we came up with another piece about the EPA. And then he locked them down too. It’s a moving target – we can’t stay ahead of them.”

The Onion tried a lateral move, fabricating a feud between the White House and the manufacturers of an obscure niche ice cream product, but that move proved futile as well.

“We thought a feud with Dippin’ Dots was about as absurd a thing as you could ask for,” grumbled Olantro. “Dippin’ Dots for crying out loud. They’re the polka dots of the dessert world. Seemed safely ludicrous to us. We had some great comments from Area Man, too. But Sean Spicer already used them all.”

Some have theorized that the Onion may actually be predicting the future, or even inspiring the White House to new heights of lunacy. Olantro disputed such notions, but sources off the record indicate that the Onion is cautiously scrubbing planned stories about Trump starting a war with Canada and revoking the citizenship of everyone living in California.

“I never thought being a humorist would be so challenging,” said Olantro. “It’s almost like we’ve become actual journalists. Area Man would not approve.”

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”

President Obama Surprises Joe Biden with Nuclear “Football”

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In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.

“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”

Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.

“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.

Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.

“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”

There isn’t enough f*king pumpkin spice in this latte for me to cope

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I’ve spent five fifty on this frothy thing, and I don’t feel I’m getting my goddamned money’s worth out of the transaction, if you’ll pardon my language.

The whole point of coming into this nouveau neo-hipster Pier 1-decorated coffee bar, with paintings by local artists proudly displayed in the hallway next to the bathroom, was to spend five minutes not thinking about what a fucked-up place this country has become. I just want the goddamned peace and tranquility that a pumpkin spice latte is supposed to bring, and it’s not doing the trick for me.

I know that true inner peace comes from meditation and lifestyle changes and if you’re dating a sugar daddy like Janine and can afford a trip to goddamned Tibet, you go spend a week with the Lama and get a fucking certificate and some beads, big deal, but hey. My enlightenment budget is limited to a fucking latte. So it had better goddamn well be a fucking transcendental experience of autumnal joy and comfort or you can forget about a tip to pay for your latest tattoo, barista girl.

The bottom line is, get the fucking pumpkin spice jar off the shelf and keep pouring that stuff on my latte. I can still see the goddamned foam, and my future evaporating along with it. FIX IT.

US Surgeon General: Debate Drinking Games May Kill Thousands

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Vice Admiral Vivek Hallegere Murthy is urging people not to engage in drinking games during the second presidential debate tonight, arguing that thousands may be at risk of acute alcohol poisoning.

“I understand the temptation to take a shot whenever Trump says something misogynistic, or mentions that wall he wants to build, or insults a war veteran,” said Murthy. “But for God’s sake, the man’s gone off the rails. You’ll be dead within the hour if you do that.”

A surge of drinking-related casualties resulted from the first debate. Common drinking rubrics include drinking whenever Trump invents a new word, or claims he never said something which video evidence clearly indicates he did, or simply shouts “wrong!”

“Following this particular set of rules you’d be drinking an entire fifth of bourbon in the first twelve minutes of the debate,” said Murthy. “It’s just not safe, people.”

Some medical professionals argue that, on the contrary, it’s not safe to watch the debate sober, and caution that sensitive individuals “with a soul” should just avoid watching the debate altogether.

Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston Finally Free to Hook Up

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In a story which earned me a promotion and a timeshare in the Keys, it’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie the minute the news broke of Jolie’s separation from husband Brad Pitt, to arrange for a steamy and very naughty hookup.

“We’re both finally free of Brad,” Aniston is reported to have said, as she firmly dismissed whatever non-Brad Pitt fellow she’s been dating or whatever. “Let’s face it: Angie and I have so much in common.”

The Jolie-Aniston-Pitt romance triangle has been the bread and butter of tabloid magazines everywhere for a decade. The photogenic trio has been splashed over more covers than the Kardashians, with headlines increasingly far-fetched and desperate as the years rolled on and all the participants appeared to have moved on like mature adults.

“That whole happy marriage thing between Brad and Angie was a serious bummer,” said someone who looked like Perez Hilton while doing lines of coke in the bathroom of an Applebee’s. “You can only use the word ‘Brangelina’ so often. Christ, happiness is boring. I’m so glad their lives are fucked up now. And taking a sexy, sexy direction.”

None of the sources alleging the affair between Jolie and Aniston have been confirmed, although nearly all the fanfiction online that doesn’t involve Harry Potter or vampires (and about half that does) describes the two Hollywood divas getting it on in imaginative and occasionally biologically impractical ways.

“True, false, it doesn’t matter,” said my editor while visibly salivating over a fresh set of Photoshop layouts with the two women. “We’re in a post-journalistic world. All we need is a good portmanteau and a bunch of pictures of these sexy, sexy ladies. How does ‘angelaniston’ sound? Or ‘jennijolie’?”

Viewers Angry that Media Keeps Reporting On Things

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People from all walks of life have had it up to here with the media’s rampant insistence on reporting the news, however indirectly, according to a survey commissioned by the Huffington Post.

“When I check the news each morning, I expect to see favorable reviews of bands I like, tips on catching Mewtwo in Pokémon Go, and uplifting stories about dogs which think they are people,” said Courtney Barker, 28, of Baltimore. “It’s just election this and Aleppo that and something something salmonella FDA. Who cares about this crap?”

Analysts have been lambasting media outlets left and right for their increasing departure from traditional standards of ethical reporting, which has led to skewed and highly compartmentalized portrayals of contemporary politics and life events. However, they were surprised to learn that the general public wants less, not more, reporting.

“Sixty eight percent of survey respondents said they did not care whether we called out Donald Trump on his falsehoods, provided that we included a shocking picture of a Kardashian in the sidebar,” said Huffington Post news editor Freya Larson. “Look, we only did this survey to get our advertisers to take us seriously as a news outlet. We didn’t expect some newsworthy results like this.”

Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.

“On the one hand, the public’s rampant disinterest in what you might call ‘objective truth’ is a critically important issue that – hypothetically – warrants serious attention from reporters and policy makers alike,” said Larson. “On the other hand, that piece we ran about the panda bear with its own Twitter feed is going to get ten times the traffic as this story. So I’m just going to start drinking now, if you don’t mind.”

Ontological realists the world over greeted the HuffPo survey with gloom and a lot of bourbon. Metaphysical idealists, however, while optimistic about the results, asserted that the survey is no more valid an idea than anything else dreamed up about the world and that we should just all go about our business and stick to Facebook friends who validate our belief systems.

Pokemon Go Players Accidentally Capturing Pets

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Players of the popular Pokemon Go game are accidentally capturing pets along with Pokemon, causing a nationwide panic and prompting Nintendo to disavow the actions of its players.

“We did not realize that so many American dog breeds strongly resemble the cute cartoonish monsters with which we populated the Pokemon Go virtual world,” said Nintendo Vice President Hitaro Arakida. “It’s your own damn fault. What did you do to these poor creatures to make them look like that?”

The Pokemon Go game is what’s called an ‘augmented reality’ game in which players see digital images superimposed on actual camera images of their environment. The terminology is considered questionable by experts who doubt that many players would recognize reality if it walked up and kicked them in the shins.

Pugs are particularly at risk of being mistaken for Pokemon, due to their enormous eyes, squashed misshapen faces, and slug-like bodies.

“I thought for sure it was some kind of potato monster,” said Brad Lovitz, who accidentally captured his neighbor’s pug Krystal Lite last week. “I wondered why it was so easy to catch.”

Captured pets are stored in “pokeballs”, little round digital spheres with no food, water, or bathroom facilities.

“Krystal stank to high heaven when I got her back!” fumed Wanda Rastin, whose pug is still “shaken” by the experience. “And now she runs away whenever she sees a ball. Well, waddles away. Okay, she sort of flops over and over in a given direction. But that’s how pugs roll, all right? They’re special! Who are you to judge them?”

Nintendo suggests that concerned pet owners keep their oddly proportioned animals inside for the next few months, until the public loses interest in the game.

“That doesn’t help,” said U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, “since other animals are at risk as well. Many Americans see so few animals in their normal lives that everything looks like a Pokemon to them.”

“I caught this big thing out on a farm that they tell me is a ‘cow’,” said Lovitz. “I mean, come on, what kind of name is that for a Pokemon?”

FBI: Clinton’s Real Crime Was Using AOL

"Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA." — “Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA.”

The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.

“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”

The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.

“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”

The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.

“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”

Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.

Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, the_real_trey_gowdy@aol.com.