In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.
“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”
Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.
“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.
Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.
“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”