Politics – The Canard Press

Trump Surprised At How Haunted Washington Nationals Stadium Was

Ghost haunting the Washington Nationals stadium.

President Trump was astonished to learn that the Washington Nationals baseball stadium is heavily haunted.

“I heard all those boos, and I thought, what the hell’s going on?” said the president in a news conference about a completely unrelated subject. “There musta been a hell of a lot of ghosts there, I’ll tell you that.”

The president learned about the haunting from Fox News, which explained in a post-game analysis that the loud, sustained chorus of boos from the crowd of over 40,000 at the World Series game was not in response to the image of President Trump on the Jumbotron, as other fake news media outlets reported, but due to an excess of ghosts.

“It’s Halloween soon,” said Brian Kilmeade on Fox and Friends, the daily televised intelligence briefing for the president. “Ghosts get really excited around this time of year. It’s perfectly normal.” Also, Kilmeade reassured the president that nobody saw the ghosts because ghosts are invisible. “It’s just ghost science,” he said. Kilmeade put on a pair of glasses when he said this, to emphasize how scientific this information was.

Fox News experts are struggling a bit to explain why the ghosts started booing only when the president was announced, but the president was reportedly relieved to hear that actual, live Americans were not in fact expressing their vocal displeasure at him.

“We gotta do something about all these ghosts and crap,” he said. “I tell you, hold the next World Series at a Trump property, there won’t be any boos, believe me.”

Oops! Where Did All These Tacos Come From?

Hey. How did I end up in this reasonably priced Mexican restaurant? Well, I guess I could eat. What a funny coincidence!

Whoa, where did all these tacos come from? The Plata Gigantica? Looks like something I’d order! If you say I ordered a plate of fifteen tacos, I would have to agree with you that this sounds very consistent with my pattern of behavior thus far in my life. I don’t remember doing it, but the facts speak for themselves, don’t they! Don’t want to let those tacos get cold!

Margarita? Is that mine? I mean, I am due back at the office by one, but hey! – maybe a little tequila would make the sales meeting go a lot smoother, am I right? Wow, that went quick. I still have all these tacos to finish and nothing left to drink! Better get another one, just to keep things balanced.

Uh oh. Looks like the tacos are gone, and I still have half a margarita left! Can’t just chug the rest down. People would think I have a drinking problem! But it’s all right to drink with a meal. Let’s have some taquitos, I guess, and maybe a burrito just to round things out.

A fourth margarita? When did I have the third? Looks like Marty in Sales is gonna have to wait a little. It would be rude to refuse my kind hosts after they went to all the trouble of making this for me. It takes skill to salt the rim of a glass, you know! That’s craftsmanship! Artisanal bartending!

Wow. What time is it? I guess I’ve been here a while. You’ve gotta work your way through a pitcher slowly. Can’t drink a half gallon of Dos Equis straight down like that. It’s bad for your digestion!

Dinnertime already? Sure, I could eat.

White Men Tired Of Occasionally Being Held Accountable For Their Actions

Tired by a steady trickle of media coverage in which privileged white men are sometimes almost held accountable for their actions, the wealthy white business community is up in arms.

“That Manafort fellow was actually convicted for just normal stuff,” huffed Gregory Porpentine, a hedge fund manager. “Of course you use offshore accounts and shell companies to vacuum up as much money as you can. It’s the American way. I have half a mind to call my Senator. Or I can just talk to him when we play golf this weekend.”

Worried that tens of affluent businessmen might be inconvenienced by suggestions that they owe anything to society, or should feel shame for their actions, old white men everywhere are harrumphing in earnest.

“What the hell do we pay these politicians for?” groused Kevin Tumbasen. “I don’t want to see the State Attorney General bothering my broker, or my caddy, or my perfectly legitimate business partner Sergei. Why aren’t they out there rounding up colored people for misdemeanors?”

For some, the solution has been to purchase local media outlets, to provide a more pleasing news environment free from unwarranted facts. There has also been a movement to outlaw the serving of subpoenas in golf clubs and any domicile worth at least $1.5 million.

“There have to be limits, by God,” said Porpentine. “People won’t put up with this for long.”

“That’s for damn sure,” muttered the waiter.

White House Releases Blockbuster Napkin

On Friday the White House announced that the President approved a classified napkin which Congressman Devin Nunes insists represents “entire minutes” of deep investigation.

“This document really says it all,” said Nunes, who insisted that President Trump only approved the final version and did not, for example, write it for Nunes and then tell the Congressman to pretend the document was an independent report. “Anyone who has doubts about the integrity of Mueller and the Fake News Russia Investigation will find their suspicions confirmed by this report.”

Republicans hailed the document as a serious blow to the credibility of Mueller, the FBI, and anyone in the Justice Department who refuses to recite the special Trump Loyalty Oath in the morning during the newly mandated Trump Loyalty Minute.

“I don’t see how the Mueller investigation can recover from this incredibly damaging report,” said Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade, one of the most powerful advisors in the Cabinet.

The Wall Street Journal also called the napkin “concerning.” The fake news failing New York Times and Bezos propaganda rag Washington Post deferred from this assessment, saying the napkin had some “troubling logical holes.”

“We’re confident now that we can move on, and perhaps fire some investigators who ought not be investigating the President,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It’s about time that the correct truth came out.”

Cockroaches Rejoice at Rise of Nazis: “We’re No Longer Lowest Form of Life”

One group, and one group only, was delighted to see white supremacists march on an American city in 2017 bearing Nazi flags: the roach population.

“This is great for us,” enthused Lars Creepington, a representative of the 1501st Roach Workers Union (Eastern NY). “Finally, there’s someone people can look down on more than us. It’s a PR dream come true.”

The roach population has long complained about a “serious PR problem” which they have blamed on a variety of conspiracy theories.

“Who wouldn’t want a friendly swarm of filth-eating insects gracing their home?” asked Creepington, staring at us with those weird-ass bug eyes and doing something unnerving with its antennae. “But people have always had it out for us for some reason. Now, they’re saying ‘at least our home isn’t infested with those goddamned Nazis who marched in Charlottesville.’ What a relief.”

It bears repeating that actual fucking Nazis marched on an American city, carrying literal goddamn swastikas and assault weapons; that they beat counter-protesters up, and killed and injured people by deliberately ramming a car into them, and that roaches did no such thing.

“If I have to choose between renting to a filthy, seething mound of disease-laden roaches wearing a trenchcoat in a futile attempt to appear human, and an actual fucking white supremacist nazi, I’m going with the mound of deceptive bugs,” said Ingrid Swanson, a landlady in Philadelphia.

On the issue of roaches versus racist nazis, President Trump issued a rambling statement indicating that “both sides are bad, but they’re both fighters, lemme tell ya.”

Boy Scouts Fervently Trying To Build Time Machine

The Boy Scouts of America organization, facing outrage from current and former scouts following President Trump’s speech at the national Jamboree, is quietly investing enormous funds and effort into the rapid development of a time machine.

“Doesn’t have to be great, doesn’t have to include wifi, just has to get us back in time a little bit,” muttered a well-placed anonymous spokesman from the office of Boy Scouts of America. “Just a little goddamn bit.”

Trump addressed thousands of youths at the annual Jamboree, and to absolutely nobody’s surprise except, apparently, the management of the Boy Scouts, spent the entire speech fulminating about his political enemies, accusing President Obama of high crimes, and alluding to wild sex on yachts as a sign of success.

To the dismay of former scouts everywhere, the BSA has so far issued only a terse statement noting that the organization is “wholly non-partisan.” This has not been adequate for, well, anyone.

“I can’t think of a way to express my outrage,” said Irving Wensler, a former Eagle scout as far as you know. “Everything that can be said about this president has already been said. It’s quite depressing to spend time crafting a five-minute profanity-laden disparaging speech and then realize that someone at the Washington Post said the exact same thing a month ago.”

Although the secret BSA time travel research is not public yet, the known world is eagerly anticipating the results.

“Earn that damn ‘Fix History’ badge, boys,” said Wensler. “Earn that goddamn fucking badge.”

Netflix Doesn’t Have Enough Content To Cover Next 4 Years

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Millions of Americans have come to the shocking realization that there are almost 35,000 hours remaining in the Trump administration, but Netflix has fewer than 33,000 hours of content.

“Sweet Jesus, what am I going to do?” said Randy Spencer, a Netflix subscriber who did the math during the opening credits of Lost in Space. “That’s 2,000 hours of Trump’s time in office I have to consciously endure! I’m not sure I can handle more than 40 or 50!”

Spencer, like many Americans, is grimly resigned to the fact that the Republican-controlled Congress finds the current President so useful that it would not impeach the man even were he to fatally stab the French Prime Minister on live TV while simultaneously burning the original Declaration of Independence and verbally espousing pedophilia. Consequently, the Netflix addict has resigned himself to immersing his head in a digital hole until Trump’s term of office is over.

“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice. “Really, I’m not picky.”

Nation Never So Glad To Have Incompetent Government

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As the Trump Administration continued to fitfully spit out mind-boggling executive orders, a weary nation reflected that, for once, the government’s incompetence is avowedly and unreservedly a good thing for the country.

“At this point, it’s easier to count the number of executive actions Trump has made which are constitutional than unconstitutional,” said University of Chicago law professor Karen Stein. “The good news is that this means the bans on falafel and algebra can probably be ignored. The bad news is that there may not be enough federal judges available to properly process the sheer number of unconstitutional rules flying out of the White House.”

The White House appears to be publishing executive orders written by Breitbart magnate and Trump confidant Stephen Bannon without any reference to existing legal resources, the Constitution, or indeed even Wikipedia.

“It’s like Trump’s executive orders are alt-right fanfiction, written by a middle-schooler who failed US History,” said Stein with a horrified fascination. “If Trump’s people knew what they were doing, this would all be much, much worse.”

The ACLU is confident that virtually everything Trump has said or done can be successfully challenged in court. However, there is some concern that Trump’s unconstitutional actions will outstrip the ability of the courts to undo them.

“The Supreme Court can only deal with about 130 cases a year,” said Stein. “Trump’s already generated enough material for 45 cases, and he’s just a week in. This could get pretty ugly.”

Onion Forced To Rewrite Story Six Times To Stay Ahead of Reality

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Editors at famed satirical publication The Onion expressed frustration with the incoming Trump administration, complaining that the White House’s ludicrous actions were overtaking their best satirical efforts on an hourly basis.

“We had this great piece about Trump locking down the USDA because he didn’t agree with the way they evaluate Vitamin D,” said Onion editor Paul Olantro. “Then he goddamned well actually did it. So we came up with another piece about the EPA. And then he locked them down too. It’s a moving target – we can’t stay ahead of them.”

The Onion tried a lateral move, fabricating a feud between the White House and the manufacturers of an obscure niche ice cream product, but that move proved futile as well.

“We thought a feud with Dippin’ Dots was about as absurd a thing as you could ask for,” grumbled Olantro. “Dippin’ Dots for crying out loud. They’re the polka dots of the dessert world. Seemed safely ludicrous to us. We had some great comments from Area Man, too. But Sean Spicer already used them all.”

Some have theorized that the Onion may actually be predicting the future, or even inspiring the White House to new heights of lunacy. Olantro disputed such notions, but sources off the record indicate that the Onion is cautiously scrubbing planned stories about Trump starting a war with Canada and revoking the citizenship of everyone living in California.

“I never thought being a humorist would be so challenging,” said Olantro. “It’s almost like we’ve become actual journalists. Area Man would not approve.”

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”