Life – Page 2 – The Canard Press

McDonalds Following United Customer Service Plan

Encouraged by United Airlines’ recent PR success, McDonalds has announced a new customer service initiative nicknamed “BFYTW”, for “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

“The customer has never been right in our book,” said McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook. “It’s the core of our business model. We express it in every way imaginable – the abysmal quality of the “food”, the dismal atmosphere, and the way we openly despise our own workforce. But United has shown us the crucial additional step of taking this message to the customer’s face.”

From now on, customers who order food at McDonald’s may or may not be allowed to finish their “meal” in peace. McDonald’s staff reserves the right to march up to the table and remove customers by force at any time.

“If we’re feeling playful we’ll call the local police to give us a hand,” said Easterbrook. “But I like the idea of giving our employees a rewarding physical outlet for their frustrations with life as a McDonald’s employee.”

A new line of commercials is currently in preparation in which Ronald McDonald will get real and cut a bitch.

“I think this is what Americans want,” said Easterbrook.

Netflix Doesn’t Have Enough Content To Cover Next 4 Years

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Millions of Americans have come to the shocking realization that there are almost 35,000 hours remaining in the Trump administration, but Netflix has fewer than 33,000 hours of content.

“Sweet Jesus, what am I going to do?” said Randy Spencer, a Netflix subscriber who did the math during the opening credits of Lost in Space. “That’s 2,000 hours of Trump’s time in office I have to consciously endure! I’m not sure I can handle more than 40 or 50!”

Spencer, like many Americans, is grimly resigned to the fact that the Republican-controlled Congress finds the current President so useful that it would not impeach the man even were he to fatally stab the French Prime Minister on live TV while simultaneously burning the original Declaration of Independence and verbally espousing pedophilia. Consequently, the Netflix addict has resigned himself to immersing his head in a digital hole until Trump’s term of office is over.

“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice. “Really, I’m not picky.”

Man Could Really Use A F*ing Win Right About Now

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Hector Garcia, a tax attorney from Des Moines, could really use a goddamn win right about now.

“First they elected a racist demagogue asshole to the White House,” said Garcia. “The next day, my car battery died. Then a coworker told me to ‘go home to Mexico’ even though I was born in Indianapolis. Then I got a really bad paper cut.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m trying to stay positive, man, but that paper cut really hurt.”

Garcia’s rising tide of incessant despair reached a crescendo Friday when his favorite lunch spot screwed up his burger order, despite the fact that Garcia has been a regular at the place for six years.

“That burger is like the best part of my week these days,” he said sadly. “It’s the only good thing remaining in my life. Those jerks know I’m allergic to tomatoes. There’s both ketchup and tomatoes on this. Could this year get any worse?”

Garcia, like many people, has taken to reading the news only in short bursts, reinforced with Xanax and a box of kittens he keeps around specifically to offset the negativity of world events.

“Ketchup and tomatoes both, man,” he repeated in a desolate monotone. “Ketchup and tomatoes both.”

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”

There isn’t enough f*king pumpkin spice in this latte for me to cope

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I’ve spent five fifty on this frothy thing, and I don’t feel I’m getting my goddamned money’s worth out of the transaction, if you’ll pardon my language.

The whole point of coming into this nouveau neo-hipster Pier 1-decorated coffee bar, with paintings by local artists proudly displayed in the hallway next to the bathroom, was to spend five minutes not thinking about what a fucked-up place this country has become. I just want the goddamned peace and tranquility that a pumpkin spice latte is supposed to bring, and it’s not doing the trick for me.

I know that true inner peace comes from meditation and lifestyle changes and if you’re dating a sugar daddy like Janine and can afford a trip to goddamned Tibet, you go spend a week with the Lama and get a fucking certificate and some beads, big deal, but hey. My enlightenment budget is limited to a fucking latte. So it had better goddamn well be a fucking transcendental experience of autumnal joy and comfort or you can forget about a tip to pay for your latest tattoo, barista girl.

The bottom line is, get the fucking pumpkin spice jar off the shelf and keep pouring that stuff on my latte. I can still see the goddamned foam, and my future evaporating along with it. FIX IT.

Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston Finally Free to Hook Up

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In a story which earned me a promotion and a timeshare in the Keys, it’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie the minute the news broke of Jolie’s separation from husband Brad Pitt, to arrange for a steamy and very naughty hookup.

“We’re both finally free of Brad,” Aniston is reported to have said, as she firmly dismissed whatever non-Brad Pitt fellow she’s been dating or whatever. “Let’s face it: Angie and I have so much in common.”

The Jolie-Aniston-Pitt romance triangle has been the bread and butter of tabloid magazines everywhere for a decade. The photogenic trio has been splashed over more covers than the Kardashians, with headlines increasingly far-fetched and desperate as the years rolled on and all the participants appeared to have moved on like mature adults.

“That whole happy marriage thing between Brad and Angie was a serious bummer,” said someone who looked like Perez Hilton while doing lines of coke in the bathroom of an Applebee’s. “You can only use the word ‘Brangelina’ so often. Christ, happiness is boring. I’m so glad their lives are fucked up now. And taking a sexy, sexy direction.”

None of the sources alleging the affair between Jolie and Aniston have been confirmed, although nearly all the fanfiction online that doesn’t involve Harry Potter or vampires (and about half that does) describes the two Hollywood divas getting it on in imaginative and occasionally biologically impractical ways.

“True, false, it doesn’t matter,” said my editor while visibly salivating over a fresh set of Photoshop layouts with the two women. “We’re in a post-journalistic world. All we need is a good portmanteau and a bunch of pictures of these sexy, sexy ladies. How does ‘angelaniston’ sound? Or ‘jennijolie’?”

Viewers Angry that Media Keeps Reporting On Things

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People from all walks of life have had it up to here with the media’s rampant insistence on reporting the news, however indirectly, according to a survey commissioned by the Huffington Post.

“When I check the news each morning, I expect to see favorable reviews of bands I like, tips on catching Mewtwo in Pokémon Go, and uplifting stories about dogs which think they are people,” said Courtney Barker, 28, of Baltimore. “It’s just election this and Aleppo that and something something salmonella FDA. Who cares about this crap?”

Analysts have been lambasting media outlets left and right for their increasing departure from traditional standards of ethical reporting, which has led to skewed and highly compartmentalized portrayals of contemporary politics and life events. However, they were surprised to learn that the general public wants less, not more, reporting.

“Sixty eight percent of survey respondents said they did not care whether we called out Donald Trump on his falsehoods, provided that we included a shocking picture of a Kardashian in the sidebar,” said Huffington Post news editor Freya Larson. “Look, we only did this survey to get our advertisers to take us seriously as a news outlet. We didn’t expect some newsworthy results like this.”

Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.

“On the one hand, the public’s rampant disinterest in what you might call ‘objective truth’ is a critically important issue that – hypothetically – warrants serious attention from reporters and policy makers alike,” said Larson. “On the other hand, that piece we ran about the panda bear with its own Twitter feed is going to get ten times the traffic as this story. So I’m just going to start drinking now, if you don’t mind.”

Ontological realists the world over greeted the HuffPo survey with gloom and a lot of bourbon. Metaphysical idealists, however, while optimistic about the results, asserted that the survey is no more valid an idea than anything else dreamed up about the world and that we should just all go about our business and stick to Facebook friends who validate our belief systems.

Pokemon Go Players Accidentally Capturing Pets

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Players of the popular Pokemon Go game are accidentally capturing pets along with Pokemon, causing a nationwide panic and prompting Nintendo to disavow the actions of its players.

“We did not realize that so many American dog breeds strongly resemble the cute cartoonish monsters with which we populated the Pokemon Go virtual world,” said Nintendo Vice President Hitaro Arakida. “It’s your own damn fault. What did you do to these poor creatures to make them look like that?”

The Pokemon Go game is what’s called an ‘augmented reality’ game in which players see digital images superimposed on actual camera images of their environment. The terminology is considered questionable by experts who doubt that many players would recognize reality if it walked up and kicked them in the shins.

Pugs are particularly at risk of being mistaken for Pokemon, due to their enormous eyes, squashed misshapen faces, and slug-like bodies.

“I thought for sure it was some kind of potato monster,” said Brad Lovitz, who accidentally captured his neighbor’s pug Krystal Lite last week. “I wondered why it was so easy to catch.”

Captured pets are stored in “pokeballs”, little round digital spheres with no food, water, or bathroom facilities.

“Krystal stank to high heaven when I got her back!” fumed Wanda Rastin, whose pug is still “shaken” by the experience. “And now she runs away whenever she sees a ball. Well, waddles away. Okay, she sort of flops over and over in a given direction. But that’s how pugs roll, all right? They’re special! Who are you to judge them?”

Nintendo suggests that concerned pet owners keep their oddly proportioned animals inside for the next few months, until the public loses interest in the game.

“That doesn’t help,” said U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, “since other animals are at risk as well. Many Americans see so few animals in their normal lives that everything looks like a Pokemon to them.”

“I caught this big thing out on a farm that they tell me is a ‘cow’,” said Lovitz. “I mean, come on, what kind of name is that for a Pokemon?”

Man Must Choose Between Crappy Chair and Girlfriend

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Aaron Greene, 26, is facing the greatest decision of his life as longtime live-in girlfriend Miranda Hendrick has put her foot down and demanded the ouster of Greene’s best friend, a decrepit armchair which he’s owned since he was a teen.

“Miranda’s great and all, but this chair has been with me forever,” said Greene, who has no sense of proportion and considers the early 2000s as prehistoric. “I mean, at the end of the day, she won’t always let me sit on her, but the chair never complains.”

“I’ve put up with a lot,” said Hendrick. “The X-box, the drinking, the Beanie Baby collectibles. I mean, you get a decent man, you have to expect a few bumps in the road. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t drown out the odor of the chair with even the strongest doses of Nicki Minaj’s Minajesty. That’s my go-to perfume for serious environmental problems.”

The chair, which is made of three kinds of leatherish material, wood, and some kind of crumbly foam manufactured from rendered horsehair, made its appearance in Greene’s garage when he was a sophomore in high school and was going to “make it big with his band.”

“It was great for crashing in after a really hard session,” said Greene. “I don’t really know where it came from, but it was, like, so non-judgmental.”

Since then the unwieldy chair, which weighs approximately 200 lbs and is prone to deposit both splinters and flakes of decaying leather and foam on the floor, has followed Greene to every house he’s occupied, often taking center stage in the living room “because it’s the most welcoming thing in the house.” The chair currently has pride of place opposite the X-box, lurking defiantly in the corner of the living room and scaring the cat.

“I think the chair hates me,” whispered Hendrick, with a worried glance at the malevolent heap of misshapen cushions. “I think Aaron talks to it sometimes, which is way creepy. And I think the chair talks back.”

The potentially possessed chair had no comment, but its pungent odor and aggressively decaying surface reminded this reporter that he had somewhere else to be and something better to do than write about a hideously funky chair and the dysfunctional relationship of a pair of entitled twenty-somethings arguing over the furniture.

“If I don’t survive the night, tell the police it was the chair,” said Hendrick. This reporter promises to do no such thing.