Hector Garcia, a tax attorney from Des Moines, could really use a goddamn win right about now.
“First they elected a racist demagogue asshole to the White House,” said Garcia. “The next day, my car battery died. Then a coworker told me to ‘go home to Mexico’ even though I was born in Indianapolis. Then I got a really bad paper cut.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m trying to stay positive, man, but that paper cut really hurt.”
Garcia’s rising tide of incessant despair reached a crescendo Friday when his favorite lunch spot screwed up his burger order, despite the fact that Garcia has been a regular at the place for six years.
“That burger is like the best part of my week these days,” he said sadly. “It’s the only good thing remaining in my life. Those jerks know I’m allergic to tomatoes. There’s both ketchup and tomatoes on this. Could this year get any worse?”
Garcia, like many people, has taken to reading the news only in short bursts, reinforced with Xanax and a box of kittens he keeps around specifically to offset the negativity of world events.
“Ketchup and tomatoes both, man,” he repeated in a desolate monotone. “Ketchup and tomatoes both.”