Harper Lee’s Death Spells Trouble for Upcoming DC Universe Movies

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The death of noted author Harper Lee has thrown DC Entertainment into a panic as apparently the struggling comics behemoth had just signed a $50 million contract with Lee’s representative to plot out the next six DC movies.

“Every book Lee wrote became a classic,” said visibly frustrated DC vice president Harmon Greene. “For Christ’s sake, we just wired the goddamn money on Monday. She couldn’t have stuck around for at least the first draft?”

DC has been struggling to turn its iconic comic book characters into a profitable multi-film ‘extended universe’, delaying projects for years, making questionable casting and creative decisions, and generally failing to impress anyone. DC has also announced that the recent “New 52” overhaul, in which they rebooted virtually every comic title they publish, has been a “mistake” and that the company is seeking to re-reboot again. Harper Lee was an integral part of this strategy.

“She was gonna write the script for the Justice League movie, get the project out of development hell,” said Greene, slamming back a shot of bourbon. “Where else are we gonna find a writer with the chops to bring this together? I hear Hemingway’s good. Is he still around?”

DC has floundered as rival comic company Marvel has soared in recent years. With every record-breaking movie Marvel released, from Iron Man to Guardians of the Galaxy, DC executives tore their hair out and tried to reverse-engineer Marvel’s success.

“Iron Man was a D-level hero, and a fucking alcoholic to boot,” fumed Greene. “And so was Robert Downey Jr. for that matter. What the fuck happened? How are they making money off this? Did they make a deal with the devil? Cause we’re ready to deal, man. Lucifer, my door is always open to you.”

Critics have argued that DC’s real problems are limited creative vision and a total lack of understanding on the company executives’ part of what makes their heroes popular.

“Hiring Harper Lee is sort of an example of just how much DC doesn’t get it,” said noted film critic Jeffrey Toobin. “Ten to one someone in the DC offices thought she was related to Stan Lee.”

“She’s not?” said Greene, his mouth agape. “Oh, fuck. Maybe it’s a good thing she died.”

Snow Day Activities When You’re Out of F***ing Riesling

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Ladies, you know the drill. You weather report calls for snow, you get the dreaded call at 6 fucking o’clock in the morning. Yes, the district has wimped out again and closed the schools because of “inclement weather.” Your two (three? four? who can count?) little darlings are yours.

All. Day. Long.

Well, you’ve been proposing that they buy some goddamned school buses with four wheel drive at every PTA meeting all year, so it’s not like you didn’t try. To the point: the day stretches out ahead of you, golden with opportunity, the city plowed your driveway in again, and you’re out of the most important parenting tool of all. That’s right, your goddamned sister drank the last bottle of fucking Riesling when she came by last weekend.

Don’t panic! There are many things you can do to make the day educational, fun, and tolerable. The key is optimism and planning!

First: feed your lovely offspring. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because it will distract the little fuckers while you scour the cabinets for something besides Riesling. For a fun breakfast activity, try the following recipe:

  • A one-pound bag of M&Ms (or marshmallows, or a box of Lucky Charms)
  • A large bag of frozen peas (Legos will work if you don’t have peas, or nails. Be creative! Anything small and numerous will do)

Mix together in a big pile on the kitchen table. Tell the kids they can eat all the candy they can pick out of the pile. (Be sure to mix well!) This will buy you a good thirty minutes. (If your kids are too good at this, slow them down by requiring them to use chopsticks.) Meanwhile, you can break out the Merlot, because this early in the morning your taste buds are still asleep and you can still stand the cloying crap.

Now you’ve survived the early morning, and your kids are gazing with shining sugar-hyped eyes out the window at the magical white stuff covering the world. Share in the beauty of the moment while you quickly stuff them into their snowsuits! Vicariously participate in their wonder as you shove them out the door! The next hour will be an excellent time to work on the Zinfandel while you keep an eye on things through the window.  (Be sure to lock the doors so your children don’t get tempted to cut short their outdoor time!)

After that, it’s time to pop Frozen into the DVD player. Which is a failsafe plan because 1) as a parent of children under the age of 10 there is 100% chance you have at least one copy of this movie, and 2) Elsa has magical powers which compel even the most jaded of young video addicts to more or less watch the movie no matter how many times they’ve seen it. There isn’t really a good wine that goes with Frozen, but by this point you’re down to the Shiraz, and let’s face it, you’ll be too busy trying to get “Let It Go” out of your brain to pay attention to what you’re drinking. This is serious business, so let it go and bottoms up!

You may notice that a few hours of your afternoon may disappear somehow, but that’s not a problem, it’s a goal. When you wake up, count the kids. All there? Terrific! Celebrate with a little Two Buck Chuck. You normally use this stuff to clean the grill, but you’re in hour nine thousand of the day and it’s either that or drink the vanilla extract. (Which you may do anyway. Go ahead. We won’t judge you.)

All good things must come to an end! Twilight twinkles on the frost-covered earth, the children are stuffed with chicken nuggets and tucked into bed, and you can settle in for a relaxing cozy evening with your hubby.

Unless the bastard forgot to pick up more Riesling, in which case send the fucker back out into the snow for more. There are limits, after all.

 

British Tourist Faces American Burger Challenge, Dies

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Alan Stimpson, 37, of Leeds, UK, perished after valiantly attempting to down an 8 pound cheeseburger at Hungry Hal’s House of Beef in Stanton, PA.

“It’s both magnificent and horrifying,” tweeted Stimpson as the waitress placed the enormous burger before him. “Much like America, truth be told.” He live tweeted the meal until just before passing out from acute beef poisoning.

The House of Beef Burger Challenge includes 8 pounds of meat on a specially baked 18-inch bun, topped with a half-pound of cheddar, six tomatoes, and an entire jar of mayonnaise; the burger is served with a side of a pound of fries and two cups of macaroni and cheese. Any customer who eats the whole thing in 60 minutes or less gets the meal free.

Stimpson and his wife, Lucille, are minor Twitter celebrities in the UK, where they routinely live-tweet meals at restaurants throughout England. Their tweets, peppered with wry descriptions and plenty of pictures, have garnered more than 500 thousand followers.

“Coming to the US was like our Mount Everest,” said Lucille sadly. “Years of bangers and mash in the most unwholesome pubs, we thought we were ready. But there’s just no preparing for this.”

When it became clear that her husband was flagging and turning odd colors as he hesitantly forked mouthful after mouthful of the burger into his mouth, Lucille tried valiantly to help him by eating the macaroni, even though this violates the Hungry Hal’s terms of service.

“Don’t really know what the big deal is,” said Hal, owner of the restaurant. “Normally at least four or five people a week finish this challenge. Some stay for dessert as well. Brits can’t handle their beef I guess.”