Trump Announces Search for “More American” First Lady

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Republican frontrunner Donald Trump has decided that his wife, a Slovenian ex-model, might not be the right first lady for him.

“I love Melania, she’s the best, very classy,” said Trump in hour seven of his daylong press conference on Tuesday. “The best body, she’s got the best parts. But you know, she’s got the accent thing going, and whatever, but I think for the White House we need a homegrown American first lady.”

Trump has been repeatedly criticized by media observers for his wholesale and frequently racist condemnation of immigrant groups. His supporters, however, have embraced Trump’s xenophobic meanderings, and it is likely because of this that the presidential candidate is considering whether to trade in his Slavic wife for a home-grown model.

“Trump likes the Slavic ladies,” said writer Kent Wilshire, who wrote the unauthorized Trump biography ‘All That’s Gilded Sure as Hell Isn’t Gold.’ “Melania’s just the latest. Remember Ivanka? And then there was Marla Maples… She was actually a mistake – Trump met Marla on the set of a James Bond movie where she was playing a KGB spy with a heavy Russian accent.”

Trump was said to have expressed aggravation at having just sold his stakes in the Miss USA competition.

“That was a great competition, that was super, a great supply of lovely girls every year, great talent pool,” said Trump. “You know, in case I needed a pretty girl, I already had a list of the best. Shouldn’t have sold that. Shoulda kept them around, you know, in case I needed to pick a new first lady or whatever.”

It’s unclear how Trump plans to find his new first lady, though he has vowed to apply his usual taste in doing so.

“A Trump first lady needs to be classy,” he said. “She’s gotta have the height, the beauty, the skin. A great Midwestern accent. Tatas. The whole nine yards. Someone who’ll look great on the red carpet.”

It’s unclear whether Melania is aware of Trump’s plans, or if he even plans to divorce her before taking up with a new first lady.

“There’ll be plenty of room in a Trump White House,” said Trump. “She wants to stay, no reason she can’t. We can work out a sleeping arrangement. She may not like it, but these are minor details.”

 

 

Kal-El Doesn’t Think Super Tuesday Is So Goddamned Super

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The self-styled Man of Steel is feeling bitter about so-called Super Tuesday.

“Not even a freaking phone call, man,” said Kryptonian immigrant Kal-El, who changed his name to Clark Kent when he arrived at Ellis Island. “The Times said I ‘wasn’t available for comment’. I was totally available. Cellphone on and everything. This is lame.”

The invulnerable vigilante takes a dim view of the American political process, which he feels has lately been ‘yanking his chain’ and ‘messing with him.’

“I’m supposed to stand for truth, justice, and the American way,” burped the alien as he downed another shot of Johnny Walker. “Nowadays who the fuck knows what that means? I gotta check my Twitter feed every day just to figure out where the nation’s moral compass is pointing. Changes every goddamned thirty minutes, or every time one of these jackholes running in the primaries opens their goddamned mouth.”

Kent is particularly irked by the increasingly vitriolic anti-immigrant rhetoric that has become par for the course in the Republican primary.

“Who exactly am I taking jobs away from?” fumed Kent. “What natural-born American heroes are standing up to save the planet from asteroids and alien invasions and shit? Most of the heavy hitters are immigrants like me. Wonder Woman’s Greek, you know, despite the stars and stripes on her costume. Aquaman is some kind of weird Atlantis guy – I guess that’s Greek too, isn’t it? And don’t get me started on Martian Manhunter. Who’s actually American-born? The Flash? I didn’t see him fighting those sixty-foot atomic robots last week. Batman? Guy’s a joke, and psychotic to boot. He’s like the superhero equivalent of Donald Trump – all branding and money.”

Kent denied rumors that he was considering legal action for trademark infringement of his name, but warned reporters that he was getting pretty fed up with the whole circus.

“First asshole that tries to make me pay for a wall on the border,” said Kent, cracking open another bottle, “gets a free one-way-ticket into orbit, courtesy of my foot.”

 

Cap’n Crunch Takes Out Toucan Sam With a Drone

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Animal-rights groups have condemned notorious military breakfasteer Cap’n Crunch for allegedly assassinating archival Toucan Sam with a drone attack over the weekend.

“There were only four talking toucans in the world, and thanks to Crunch, now we’re down to three,” said PETA regional commander Gray Huntsworth. “We’re talking the loss of an invaluable resource. His nose was irreplaceable. It always knew. Who do you think trained all those bomb-sniffing dogs?”

“Got that self-righteous bastard, didn’t we!” cackled Crunch in a leaked cellphone video. “Your goddamned nose didn’t smell this coming, did it!” The diminutive naval commander can clearly be seen hopping with glee as the drone delivered two Hellcat missiles directly to the palm tree where Sam’s international cereal production headquarters were located.

Crunch and Sam have been bitter enemies since the toucan first swayed impressionable kids away from the sweet, but monotone, Cap’n Crunch towards the nuclear-colored Froot Loops. Crunch has since rolled out various multicolored variants of his products with increasing desperation, to no avail.

“The real problem is, Crunch is convinced that the CIA provided Sam with assistance,” confided a source at the Navy. “The private sector had been trying to develop superchromatic toroidal breakfast cereals for years. Sam could only have achieved that technological breakthrough by using classified government research.”

The future of Froot Loops is unclear; only Sam knew the full recipe. It turns out that his three nephews, who everyone assumed were being trained to take over the business, aren’t actually sentient birds but instead repeat things mindlessly.

Despite the magnitude of the crime, it’s unclear how or if Cap’n Crunch will be prosecuted, as the attack was conducted from international waters.

“Why do you think I run my operation from a ship?” chortled the diminutive cereal magnate, rubbing his hands together. “Arr, matey. Who wants some breakfast?”

Terrorists Detonate Gluten Bomb in Portland; Thousands Sure They Will Die Any Minute

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Terrorists unleashed a chemical horror on the steps of the Central Library in downtown Portland, Oregon, flooding the area with weaponized gluten particles and causing almost certain health issues for thousands of potentially exposed citizens.

“The library is basically lost,” lamented Marlene French, a passerby who valiantly attempted, but failed, to rescue a calico cat wearing a bandanna from the billowing cloud of gluten as it menacingly disseminated down the street. “The city will have to evacuate downtown. Anything else would be totally irresponsible.”

Gluten is a toxin widely known by intelligent truth-seekers everywhere to definitely, probably, almost certainly, maybe cause a range of ailments including but not limited to psoriasis, chlamydia, tooth decay, cirrhosis, pentangular uvula failure, mange, diabetes, hair loss, hair gain, earlobe paralysis, peripheral vascular ennui, toe glaucoma, septic tank top, unrequited arterial plaque, follicular ectoplasmic neomandibular rupture, “dad bod,” patchouli sensitivity, partial nostril ablation, and excessive employment abridgment.

So far, nobody has claimed responsibility for the detonation, which ruthlessly unleashed billions of gluten particles into the atmosphere, but fingers have been pointed at the “Y’all Quaeda” sovereign citizen movement, ISIL, the “Big Gluten” military-industrial complex, and the Oregon State Police as possible perpetrators.

“My kids had to see this!” hissed Lars Brandt, owner of an independent bicycle tour company, who was across the street when the bomb was detonated. He was shielding his three-year-old twins from the scene with an issue of the Portland Mercury. “Naked gluten particles! Right there in the air! And their therapist is on a kayaking trip for another week!”

Dissemination of the toxin was thankfully limited by the fact that it was raining, although widespread concern was raised for the fauna living in the sewer system and a collection was started to provide medical care and habitat cleansing for the indigenous population of GMO-free alligators which inhabit the Portland city sewer system.

Terrorist groups around the world declined to admit involvement in the incident.

“What the hell is gluten?” said an ISIL spokesman.

 

 

British Tourist Faces American Burger Challenge, Dies

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Alan Stimpson, 37, of Leeds, UK, perished after valiantly attempting to down an 8 pound cheeseburger at Hungry Hal’s House of Beef in Stanton, PA.

“It’s both magnificent and horrifying,” tweeted Stimpson as the waitress placed the enormous burger before him. “Much like America, truth be told.” He live tweeted the meal until just before passing out from acute beef poisoning.

The House of Beef Burger Challenge includes 8 pounds of meat on a specially baked 18-inch bun, topped with a half-pound of cheddar, six tomatoes, and an entire jar of mayonnaise; the burger is served with a side of a pound of fries and two cups of macaroni and cheese. Any customer who eats the whole thing in 60 minutes or less gets the meal free.

Stimpson and his wife, Lucille, are minor Twitter celebrities in the UK, where they routinely live-tweet meals at restaurants throughout England. Their tweets, peppered with wry descriptions and plenty of pictures, have garnered more than 500 thousand followers.

“Coming to the US was like our Mount Everest,” said Lucille sadly. “Years of bangers and mash in the most unwholesome pubs, we thought we were ready. But there’s just no preparing for this.”

When it became clear that her husband was flagging and turning odd colors as he hesitantly forked mouthful after mouthful of the burger into his mouth, Lucille tried valiantly to help him by eating the macaroni, even though this violates the Hungry Hal’s terms of service.

“Don’t really know what the big deal is,” said Hal, owner of the restaurant. “Normally at least four or five people a week finish this challenge. Some stay for dessert as well. Brits can’t handle their beef I guess.”