Cap’n Crunch Takes Out Toucan Sam With a Drone

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Animal-rights groups have condemned notorious military breakfasteer Cap’n Crunch for allegedly assassinating archival Toucan Sam with a drone attack over the weekend.

“There were only four talking toucans in the world, and thanks to Crunch, now we’re down to three,” said PETA regional commander Gray Huntsworth. “We’re talking the loss of an invaluable resource. His nose was irreplaceable. It always knew. Who do you think trained all those bomb-sniffing dogs?”

“Got that self-righteous bastard, didn’t we!” cackled Crunch in a leaked cellphone video. “Your goddamned nose didn’t smell this coming, did it!” The diminutive naval commander can clearly be seen hopping with glee as the drone delivered two Hellcat missiles directly to the palm tree where Sam’s international cereal production headquarters were located.

Crunch and Sam have been bitter enemies since the toucan first swayed impressionable kids away from the sweet, but monotone, Cap’n Crunch towards the nuclear-colored Froot Loops. Crunch has since rolled out various multicolored variants of his products with increasing desperation, to no avail.

“The real problem is, Crunch is convinced that the CIA provided Sam with assistance,” confided a source at the Navy. “The private sector had been trying to develop superchromatic toroidal breakfast cereals for years. Sam could only have achieved that technological breakthrough by using classified government research.”

The future of Froot Loops is unclear; only Sam knew the full recipe. It turns out that his three nephews, who everyone assumed were being trained to take over the business, aren’t actually sentient birds but instead repeat things mindlessly.

Despite the magnitude of the crime, it’s unclear how or if Cap’n Crunch will be prosecuted, as the attack was conducted from international waters.

“Why do you think I run my operation from a ship?” chortled the diminutive cereal magnate, rubbing his hands together. “Arr, matey. Who wants some breakfast?”

Terrorists Detonate Gluten Bomb in Portland; Thousands Sure They Will Die Any Minute

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Terrorists unleashed a chemical horror on the steps of the Central Library in downtown Portland, Oregon, flooding the area with weaponized gluten particles and causing almost certain health issues for thousands of potentially exposed citizens.

“The library is basically lost,” lamented Marlene French, a passerby who valiantly attempted, but failed, to rescue a calico cat wearing a bandanna from the billowing cloud of gluten as it menacingly disseminated down the street. “The city will have to evacuate downtown. Anything else would be totally irresponsible.”

Gluten is a toxin widely known by intelligent truth-seekers everywhere to definitely, probably, almost certainly, maybe cause a range of ailments including but not limited to psoriasis, chlamydia, tooth decay, cirrhosis, pentangular uvula failure, mange, diabetes, hair loss, hair gain, earlobe paralysis, peripheral vascular ennui, toe glaucoma, septic tank top, unrequited arterial plaque, follicular ectoplasmic neomandibular rupture, “dad bod,” patchouli sensitivity, partial nostril ablation, and excessive employment abridgment.

So far, nobody has claimed responsibility for the detonation, which ruthlessly unleashed billions of gluten particles into the atmosphere, but fingers have been pointed at the “Y’all Quaeda” sovereign citizen movement, ISIL, the “Big Gluten” military-industrial complex, and the Oregon State Police as possible perpetrators.

“My kids had to see this!” hissed Lars Brandt, owner of an independent bicycle tour company, who was across the street when the bomb was detonated. He was shielding his three-year-old twins from the scene with an issue of the Portland Mercury. “Naked gluten particles! Right there in the air! And their therapist is on a kayaking trip for another week!”

Dissemination of the toxin was thankfully limited by the fact that it was raining, although widespread concern was raised for the fauna living in the sewer system and a collection was started to provide medical care and habitat cleansing for the indigenous population of GMO-free alligators which inhabit the Portland city sewer system.

Terrorist groups around the world declined to admit involvement in the incident.

“What the hell is gluten?” said an ISIL spokesman.

 

 

British Tourist Faces American Burger Challenge, Dies

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Alan Stimpson, 37, of Leeds, UK, perished after valiantly attempting to down an 8 pound cheeseburger at Hungry Hal’s House of Beef in Stanton, PA.

“It’s both magnificent and horrifying,” tweeted Stimpson as the waitress placed the enormous burger before him. “Much like America, truth be told.” He live tweeted the meal until just before passing out from acute beef poisoning.

The House of Beef Burger Challenge includes 8 pounds of meat on a specially baked 18-inch bun, topped with a half-pound of cheddar, six tomatoes, and an entire jar of mayonnaise; the burger is served with a side of a pound of fries and two cups of macaroni and cheese. Any customer who eats the whole thing in 60 minutes or less gets the meal free.

Stimpson and his wife, Lucille, are minor Twitter celebrities in the UK, where they routinely live-tweet meals at restaurants throughout England. Their tweets, peppered with wry descriptions and plenty of pictures, have garnered more than 500 thousand followers.

“Coming to the US was like our Mount Everest,” said Lucille sadly. “Years of bangers and mash in the most unwholesome pubs, we thought we were ready. But there’s just no preparing for this.”

When it became clear that her husband was flagging and turning odd colors as he hesitantly forked mouthful after mouthful of the burger into his mouth, Lucille tried valiantly to help him by eating the macaroni, even though this violates the Hungry Hal’s terms of service.

“Don’t really know what the big deal is,” said Hal, owner of the restaurant. “Normally at least four or five people a week finish this challenge. Some stay for dessert as well. Brits can’t handle their beef I guess.”