Murica – Page 3 – The Canard Press

There isn’t enough f*king pumpkin spice in this latte for me to cope

An-angry-woman

I’ve spent five fifty on this frothy thing, and I don’t feel I’m getting my goddamned money’s worth out of the transaction, if you’ll pardon my language.

The whole point of coming into this nouveau neo-hipster Pier 1-decorated coffee bar, with paintings by local artists proudly displayed in the hallway next to the bathroom, was to spend five minutes not thinking about what a fucked-up place this country has become. I just want the goddamned peace and tranquility that a pumpkin spice latte is supposed to bring, and it’s not doing the trick for me.

I know that true inner peace comes from meditation and lifestyle changes and if you’re dating a sugar daddy like Janine and can afford a trip to goddamned Tibet, you go spend a week with the Lama and get a fucking certificate and some beads, big deal, but hey. My enlightenment budget is limited to a fucking latte. So it had better goddamn well be a fucking transcendental experience of autumnal joy and comfort or you can forget about a tip to pay for your latest tattoo, barista girl.

The bottom line is, get the fucking pumpkin spice jar off the shelf and keep pouring that stuff on my latte. I can still see the goddamned foam, and my future evaporating along with it. FIX IT.

US Surgeon General: Debate Drinking Games May Kill Thousands

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Vice Admiral Vivek Hallegere Murthy is urging people not to engage in drinking games during the second presidential debate tonight, arguing that thousands may be at risk of acute alcohol poisoning.

“I understand the temptation to take a shot whenever Trump says something misogynistic, or mentions that wall he wants to build, or insults a war veteran,” said Murthy. “But for God’s sake, the man’s gone off the rails. You’ll be dead within the hour if you do that.”

A surge of drinking-related casualties resulted from the first debate. Common drinking rubrics include drinking whenever Trump invents a new word, or claims he never said something which video evidence clearly indicates he did, or simply shouts “wrong!”

“Following this particular set of rules you’d be drinking an entire fifth of bourbon in the first twelve minutes of the debate,” said Murthy. “It’s just not safe, people.”

Some medical professionals argue that, on the contrary, it’s not safe to watch the debate sober, and caution that sensitive individuals “with a soul” should just avoid watching the debate altogether.

Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston Finally Free to Hook Up

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In a story which earned me a promotion and a timeshare in the Keys, it’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie the minute the news broke of Jolie’s separation from husband Brad Pitt, to arrange for a steamy and very naughty hookup.

“We’re both finally free of Brad,” Aniston is reported to have said, as she firmly dismissed whatever non-Brad Pitt fellow she’s been dating or whatever. “Let’s face it: Angie and I have so much in common.”

The Jolie-Aniston-Pitt romance triangle has been the bread and butter of tabloid magazines everywhere for a decade. The photogenic trio has been splashed over more covers than the Kardashians, with headlines increasingly far-fetched and desperate as the years rolled on and all the participants appeared to have moved on like mature adults.

“That whole happy marriage thing between Brad and Angie was a serious bummer,” said someone who looked like Perez Hilton while doing lines of coke in the bathroom of an Applebee’s. “You can only use the word ‘Brangelina’ so often. Christ, happiness is boring. I’m so glad their lives are fucked up now. And taking a sexy, sexy direction.”

None of the sources alleging the affair between Jolie and Aniston have been confirmed, although nearly all the fanfiction online that doesn’t involve Harry Potter or vampires (and about half that does) describes the two Hollywood divas getting it on in imaginative and occasionally biologically impractical ways.

“True, false, it doesn’t matter,” said my editor while visibly salivating over a fresh set of Photoshop layouts with the two women. “We’re in a post-journalistic world. All we need is a good portmanteau and a bunch of pictures of these sexy, sexy ladies. How does ‘angelaniston’ sound? Or ‘jennijolie’?”

Viewers Angry that Media Keeps Reporting On Things

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People from all walks of life have had it up to here with the media’s rampant insistence on reporting the news, however indirectly, according to a survey commissioned by the Huffington Post.

“When I check the news each morning, I expect to see favorable reviews of bands I like, tips on catching Mewtwo in Pokémon Go, and uplifting stories about dogs which think they are people,” said Courtney Barker, 28, of Baltimore. “It’s just election this and Aleppo that and something something salmonella FDA. Who cares about this crap?”

Analysts have been lambasting media outlets left and right for their increasing departure from traditional standards of ethical reporting, which has led to skewed and highly compartmentalized portrayals of contemporary politics and life events. However, they were surprised to learn that the general public wants less, not more, reporting.

“Sixty eight percent of survey respondents said they did not care whether we called out Donald Trump on his falsehoods, provided that we included a shocking picture of a Kardashian in the sidebar,” said Huffington Post news editor Freya Larson. “Look, we only did this survey to get our advertisers to take us seriously as a news outlet. We didn’t expect some newsworthy results like this.”

Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.

“On the one hand, the public’s rampant disinterest in what you might call ‘objective truth’ is a critically important issue that – hypothetically – warrants serious attention from reporters and policy makers alike,” said Larson. “On the other hand, that piece we ran about the panda bear with its own Twitter feed is going to get ten times the traffic as this story. So I’m just going to start drinking now, if you don’t mind.”

Ontological realists the world over greeted the HuffPo survey with gloom and a lot of bourbon. Metaphysical idealists, however, while optimistic about the results, asserted that the survey is no more valid an idea than anything else dreamed up about the world and that we should just all go about our business and stick to Facebook friends who validate our belief systems.

Pokemon Go Players Accidentally Capturing Pets

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Players of the popular Pokemon Go game are accidentally capturing pets along with Pokemon, causing a nationwide panic and prompting Nintendo to disavow the actions of its players.

“We did not realize that so many American dog breeds strongly resemble the cute cartoonish monsters with which we populated the Pokemon Go virtual world,” said Nintendo Vice President Hitaro Arakida. “It’s your own damn fault. What did you do to these poor creatures to make them look like that?”

The Pokemon Go game is what’s called an ‘augmented reality’ game in which players see digital images superimposed on actual camera images of their environment. The terminology is considered questionable by experts who doubt that many players would recognize reality if it walked up and kicked them in the shins.

Pugs are particularly at risk of being mistaken for Pokemon, due to their enormous eyes, squashed misshapen faces, and slug-like bodies.

“I thought for sure it was some kind of potato monster,” said Brad Lovitz, who accidentally captured his neighbor’s pug Krystal Lite last week. “I wondered why it was so easy to catch.”

Captured pets are stored in “pokeballs”, little round digital spheres with no food, water, or bathroom facilities.

“Krystal stank to high heaven when I got her back!” fumed Wanda Rastin, whose pug is still “shaken” by the experience. “And now she runs away whenever she sees a ball. Well, waddles away. Okay, she sort of flops over and over in a given direction. But that’s how pugs roll, all right? They’re special! Who are you to judge them?”

Nintendo suggests that concerned pet owners keep their oddly proportioned animals inside for the next few months, until the public loses interest in the game.

“That doesn’t help,” said U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, “since other animals are at risk as well. Many Americans see so few animals in their normal lives that everything looks like a Pokemon to them.”

“I caught this big thing out on a farm that they tell me is a ‘cow’,” said Lovitz. “I mean, come on, what kind of name is that for a Pokemon?”

FBI: Clinton’s Real Crime Was Using AOL

"Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA." — “Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA.”

The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.

“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”

The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.

“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”

The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.

“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”

Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.

Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, the_real_trey_gowdy@aol.com.

Americans Struggle to Understand Or Care About Brexit

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Faced with headlines screaming about the dire implications of Brexit, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union, Americans across the nation struggled mightily to understand what the fuss is all about.

“I know this is important, because Brexit is the most important meal of the day,” said Brittany Jessup, a junior in public policy at NYU, making a cute frown that caused a little vertical line between her impeccably groomed eyebrows. “And I like English Brexit, because they always have a lot of bacon and stuff. But Brunch is better, because of the mimosas.”

“Whatever the Brits do, ain’t no concern of ours,” said Charles McGinty, a truck driver from Chicago. “So, like, the Europeans were all invading and stuff, and the Brits said, hell with youse guys! And I respect that, even though the Brits are pansies with those fake accents. Who are they fooling, anyway? Huh?”

“Sounds to me like the English are taking a page from our book,” smirked Ebenezer Horlock, an insufferable hipster from Ashland, North Carolina. Ebenezer then twirled the end of his waxed mustache dramatically and took a deep drag on his vaping whatchamacallit, and that’s when I hit him, so I don’t know if he had anything more to say.

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“I think the British have been misled by populist fear mongering,” said Melissa Yurt sadly, a ten-year-old girl running a lemonade stand in the Fila Horchata suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona. “It can be difficult to conduct a thoughtful debate about issues which are both complex and racially charged in the context of a public referendum. I think one could argue that it was unfortunate that the British government opted to put such a vulnerable and important issue up for public vote.”

This reporter cannot take Yurt’s comments seriously, because the lemonade was warm, and honestly, if you can’t even keep the drinks cold, why should anyone listen to you?

US Presidential Race Prompts Return of King Arthur

King Arthur returns to rule the land. — “Things are worse than I thought.”

Legendary monarch Arthur has returned from the misty timeless isle of Avalon, claiming that the uncertainty about the nation’s future leadership has prompted him to step out of his mystical retirement to save the nation and take up the mantle of King once more.

“I said I’d come back when things got really bad, and here I am,” said Arthur, the gleaming hilt of Excalibur at his side. “Something about a Trump. What’s a Trump?”

The near-mythical king appeared bemused by the lack of armor on the Secret Service detail which immediately surrounded his horse. Also, he apparently hadn’t heard of the American Revolution.

“But you guys used to be English, right?” persisted the king. “I mean, my divine mandate to rule is God-given. You folks in these colonies here can’t just decide to take it back with a show of hands. And face it: I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me.”

Presidential candidate Donald Trump, fresh off a rally in which he declared that Canada “had to go” and that he would declare organic food illegal once elected, made six mutually conflicting statements about the return of England’s ancient leader on the White House lawn. After first declaring the English to be our oldest allies, then stating that they owed us “big time” for World War II and were a bunch of debt-dodging, unwashed slackers, he gave an appallingly inaccurate and insulting impression of an Englishman drinking tea and wetting himself.

“I know all the kings, the best kings,” said Trump. “I’m basically a king myself, you know. Trump Tower is a lot nicer than Buckingham Palace which, by the way, is mostly filled with little dogs. This Arthur guy, I don’t know who he is, he’s certainly not as rich as me. Just look at his hair.”

President Obama welcomed the confused monarch into the White House, where the two sat in the Oval Office over mugs of ale and commiserated about being unappreciated. The President apparently explained numerous things to Arthur’s satisfaction (including television, basketball, and the election cycle), because afterwards the once and future king stated that he was going on a vacation before the election, to see what had changed in the United Kingdom and America since his disappearance in 468 A.D.

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton sent Arthur an enormous fruit basket and asked if he would consider running as Vice-President on her ticket.

Infamous Rabbit Spreads Terror Nationwide Once Again

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The unrepentant terrorist commonly known as Peter “Boom Boom” Cottontail has once again strewn his dangerous wares in yards around the nation, causing widespread panic and pushing bomb squads to their limit as local law enforcement struggles to deal with the situation.

“Cottontail’s predictable, we expect him to strike according to his own bizarre calendar,” said Lieutenant Karl Lowry of the Chicago PD. “Every year, first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring season. But this year it seems especially bad. Damn things are everywhere.”

Cottontail is known for his colorful bombs, which are garishly decorated and about the size and shape of an egg.

“They’re not usually well-hidden, but there are so many of them,” groused Lowry, grimacing as he watched a bomb-defusing robot carefully scoop a handful of the treacherous orbs into a kevlar-lined barrel. “We just don’t know how the bastard does it.”

Most perplexing to law enforcement is the fact that, although millions of the ovoid explosives are deposited in suburban lawns around the nation in literally a single night, Cottontail is commonly thought to work alone.

“Drones,” said Lowry. “I bet he uses drones.”

Although none of the orbs has ever exploded, law enforcement officials stress that families should stay indoors until the hazardous objects have been removed and disposed of properly.

“The worst part is how colorful and pretty the things are,” said Evelyn Wemple, a mother of three who stood huddled on her doorstep watching the bomb disposal unit tramp over her lawn until they gave the all-clear sign. “It’s almost as if Cottontail is trying to lure children to find them. What kind of sicko does that sort of thing?”

Thanks to years of practice, the bomb disposal teams across the nation expect to have the nation’s yards cleared of the fiendish devices by the end of the day.

“Until that time, we recommend everyone keep their kids indoors and away from anything colorful and egg-shaped,” said Lowry. “Can’t be too careful these days.”