Category: Law and Order

Cockroaches Rejoice at Rise of Nazis: “We’re No Longer Lowest Form of Life”

One group, and one group only, was delighted to see white supremacists march on an American city in 2017 bearing Nazi flags: the roach population.

“This is great for us,” enthused Lars Creepington, a representative of the 1501st Roach Workers Union (Eastern NY). “Finally, there’s someone people can look down on more than us. It’s a PR dream come true.”

The roach population has long complained about a “serious PR problem” which they have blamed on a variety of conspiracy theories.

“Who wouldn’t want a friendly swarm of filth-eating insects gracing their home?” asked Creepington, staring at us with those weird-ass bug eyes and doing something unnerving with its antennae. “But people have always had it out for us for some reason. Now, they’re saying ‘at least our home isn’t infested with those goddamned Nazis who marched in Charlottesville.’ What a relief.”

It bears repeating that actual fucking Nazis marched on an American city, carrying literal goddamn swastikas and assault weapons; that they beat counter-protesters up, and killed and injured people by deliberately ramming a car into them, and that roaches did no such thing.

“If I have to choose between renting to a filthy, seething mound of disease-laden roaches wearing a trenchcoat in a futile attempt to appear human, and an actual fucking white supremacist nazi, I’m going with the mound of deceptive bugs,” said Ingrid Swanson, a landlady in Philadelphia.

On the issue of roaches versus racist nazis, President Trump issued a rambling statement indicating that “both sides are bad, but they’re both fighters, lemme tell ya.”

Nation Never So Glad To Have Incompetent Government

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As the Trump Administration continued to fitfully spit out mind-boggling executive orders, a weary nation reflected that, for once, the government’s incompetence is avowedly and unreservedly a good thing for the country.

“At this point, it’s easier to count the number of executive actions Trump has made which are constitutional than unconstitutional,” said University of Chicago law professor Karen Stein. “The good news is that this means the bans on falafel and algebra can probably be ignored. The bad news is that there may not be enough federal judges available to properly process the sheer number of unconstitutional rules flying out of the White House.”

The White House appears to be publishing executive orders written by Breitbart magnate and Trump confidant Stephen Bannon without any reference to existing legal resources, the Constitution, or indeed even Wikipedia.

“It’s like Trump’s executive orders are alt-right fanfiction, written by a middle-schooler who failed US History,” said Stein with a horrified fascination. “If Trump’s people knew what they were doing, this would all be much, much worse.”

The ACLU is confident that virtually everything Trump has said or done can be successfully challenged in court. However, there is some concern that Trump’s unconstitutional actions will outstrip the ability of the courts to undo them.

“The Supreme Court can only deal with about 130 cases a year,” said Stein. “Trump’s already generated enough material for 45 cases, and he’s just a week in. This could get pretty ugly.”

President Obama Surprises Joe Biden with Nuclear “Football”

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In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.

“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”

Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.

“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.

Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.

“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”

FBI: Clinton’s Real Crime Was Using AOL

"Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA."
“Really, Senator Clinton. You could at least have used a Yahoo account, like the CIA.”

The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.

“This will come as a shock to Congress,” said F.B.I. director James B. Comey, “but disks you get in the mail aren’t the most secure information technology infrastructure for a government to use.”

The State Department, like nearly all branches of the US Government, transitioned to email back in the 1990s when defense contractor America Online sent “secure CD-ROMs” to everyone’s office on Capitol Hill. Because of ongoing budget cuts and the fact that IT managers have long since tired of explaining what “IT” is to generation after generation of technologically ignorant Congressmen, there has not been a substantial upgrade since.

“The disk said it was Platinum Premier edition,” said Pennsylvania Congressman Francis Alard, who was first elected in 1992, scratching his head and staring at the large boxy beige computer monitor dominating his desk. “And the disk said ‘America’ right there on it, so I assumed it was official.”

The FBI sternly upbraided former Secretary Clinton for using AOL long after more advanced email options became available.

“We could understand using Hotmail,” said Comey. “I mean, we’re not asking for Gmail level sophistication here. But AOL? Did you know that AOL mailed those disks around the world? Every government from Myanmar to Timbuktu got their hands on those sparkly little CD-ROMs.”

Despite the faux pas, no security breaches or leaks of classified information have been traced to Clinton’s former use of the AOL service.

Congressman Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi committee that has been hounding Clinton for years, had no comment. His office directed reporters to his official email address, the_real_trey_gowdy@aol.com.

Infamous Rabbit Spreads Terror Nationwide Once Again

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The unrepentant terrorist commonly known as Peter “Boom Boom” Cottontail has once again strewn his dangerous wares in yards around the nation, causing widespread panic and pushing bomb squads to their limit as local law enforcement struggles to deal with the situation.

“Cottontail’s predictable, we expect him to strike according to his own bizarre calendar,” said Lieutenant Karl Lowry of the Chicago PD. “Every year, first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring season. But this year it seems especially bad. Damn things are everywhere.”

Cottontail is known for his colorful bombs, which are garishly decorated and about the size and shape of an egg.

“They’re not usually well-hidden, but there are so many of them,” groused Lowry, grimacing as he watched a bomb-defusing robot carefully scoop a handful of the treacherous orbs into a kevlar-lined barrel. “We just don’t know how the bastard does it.”

Most perplexing to law enforcement is the fact that, although millions of the ovoid explosives are deposited in suburban lawns around the nation in literally a single night, Cottontail is commonly thought to work alone.

“Drones,” said Lowry. “I bet he uses drones.”

Although none of the orbs has ever exploded, law enforcement officials stress that families should stay indoors until the hazardous objects have been removed and disposed of properly.

“The worst part is how colorful and pretty the things are,” said Evelyn Wemple, a mother of three who stood huddled on her doorstep watching the bomb disposal unit tramp over her lawn until they gave the all-clear sign. “It’s almost as if Cottontail is trying to lure children to find them. What kind of sicko does that sort of thing?”

Thanks to years of practice, the bomb disposal teams across the nation expect to have the nation’s yards cleared of the fiendish devices by the end of the day.

“Until that time, we recommend everyone keep their kids indoors and away from anything colorful and egg-shaped,” said Lowry. “Can’t be too careful these days.”

Feds Raid Illegal Meme Factory, Nine Dead in Funny Ways

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Victims of a cruel and primitive manufacturing process.

The ATF conducted a raid on an illegal meme factory operating out of Boise, Idaho, killing nine and releasing hundreds of animals with ironic expressions and headgear into the wild.

“Memes have become so profitable that even Mexican drug cartels are getting in on the act,” said ATF spokesperson Claude Owens. “It’s brutal.”

Meme production used to be essentially a cottage industry, with individuals attaching ironic or charmingly misspelled taglines to compelling pictures of their pets or favorite stills from movies or TV shows. In 2015, however, memes were a $540 million business in the US alone.

“The real money’s overseas,” said Owens. “Haz cheezburger is old news now. But as soon as unscrupulous memists realized that the damn cat could also haz chips, or curry, or dagashi, all bets were off.”

Humanocentric memes are more difficult to police, especially as they often involve identify theft as a money-making caption is added in Impact to a casual picture grabbed off someone’s inadequately protected Facebook page without their knowledge. But an estimated 60% of memes are still animal-based, with half of those being cats.

“Cats are cheap and easy to get,” said Owens. “You get a thousand cats, stick a thousand bits of fruit on their heads and take pictures, something’s bound to be funny.”

The animals in the meme factory are being shipped to Guantanamo Bay, where the cute ones will be separated and sold to Jimmy Fallon and the others will be eaten.