Tag: republican

Reince Priebus Can’t Believe He Wasted Third Wish On Sandwich

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With the unexpected death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus is dismayed at having wasted his last wish from that genie on a sandwich.

“I’d already wished for wealth and power,” lamented Priebus, desperately polishing the lamp containing the genie. “A sandwich handmade by Cleopatra and Hillary Clinton seemed like the logical choice for my third wish! Who could have foreseen the loss of a conservative justice so soon?”

Scalia, a reliably conservative justice with a sharp intellect and scathing wit, was the vocal cornerstone of the Supreme Court’s conservative half. Without that third wish to bring Scalia back from the dead, or maybe turn Ruth Ginsburg into a Libertarian or something, Priebus has realized that his party is royally screwed.

“My hotline from the Koch Brothers’ office lit up the minute Scalia’s death was announced,” Priebus whispered, rubbing the lamp even harder and peering desperately out the door of his office. “They’re the ones who gave me the lamp, you know. I haven’t had the nerve to answer yet.  I buried the hotline phone out back. It won’t stop ringing!”

Priebus declined to comment on whether the sandwich was worth it or not.

 

Rubio Shoots at Megyn Kelly, Still Loses Debate

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Marco Rubio, in a bid to establish himself as the toughest guy on the podium, shot the moderator six times at the most recent Republican debate.

“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”

Moderator Megyn Kelly, who was wearing body armor underneath her blouse and tight skirt, was largely unharmed and continued to moderate the debate after Rubio’s attack.

“Roger Ailes has us all wear body armor,” said Kelly after the debate. “It’s the same stuff he wears himself. You can never be too paranoid, Roger says. But I was surprised Rubio was the first to shoot. I’ve been waiting for Trump to pull a gun on me for months.”

The other candidates on stage condemned Rubio for jumping the gun, so to speak.

“It was widely known that I was planning to shoot Megyn at the halfway mark,” sniffed Cruz. “Rubio doesn’t have an original idea in his head. And I was gonna use armor-piercing bullets with an automatic weapon, like the kind you cook bacon with.”

Despite being the first to shoot, Rubio was widely considered to have lost the debate, as pundits called his shooting both ineffective and in poor taste.

“Rand Paul was the real winner,” said Washington Post political affairs correspondent Maria Green. “He took out his six-shooters, spun them around like Annie Oakley, and spelled out ‘USA’ with bullets in the ceiling. That’s patriotic showmanship. Next to Paul, Rubio just looked like a thug.”

Lackluster underdog Jeb Bush muttered something about responsible gun use while he fumbled with a pearl-handled Derringer, which was apparently stuck in its holster.