Tag: inauguration

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”

President Obama Surprises Joe Biden with Nuclear “Football”

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In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.

“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”

Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.

“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.

Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.

“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”