Month: February 2017

Netflix Doesn’t Have Enough Content To Cover Next 4 Years

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Millions of Americans have come to the shocking realization that there are almost 35,000 hours remaining in the Trump administration, but Netflix has fewer than 33,000 hours of content.

“Sweet Jesus, what am I going to do?” said Randy Spencer, a Netflix subscriber who did the math during the opening credits of Lost in Space. “That’s 2,000 hours of Trump’s time in office I have to consciously endure! I’m not sure I can handle more than 40 or 50!”

Spencer, like many Americans, is grimly resigned to the fact that the Republican-controlled Congress finds the current President so useful that it would not impeach the man even were he to fatally stab the French Prime Minister on live TV while simultaneously burning the original Declaration of Independence and verbally espousing pedophilia. Consequently, the Netflix addict has resigned himself to immersing his head in a digital hole until Trump’s term of office is over.

“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice. “Really, I’m not picky.”

Man Could Really Use A F*ing Win Right About Now

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Hector Garcia, a tax attorney from Des Moines, could really use a goddamn win right about now.

“First they elected a racist demagogue asshole to the White House,” said Garcia. “The next day, my car battery died. Then a coworker told me to ‘go home to Mexico’ even though I was born in Indianapolis. Then I got a really bad paper cut.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m trying to stay positive, man, but that paper cut really hurt.”

Garcia’s rising tide of incessant despair reached a crescendo Friday when his favorite lunch spot screwed up his burger order, despite the fact that Garcia has been a regular at the place for six years.

“That burger is like the best part of my week these days,” he said sadly. “It’s the only good thing remaining in my life. Those jerks know I’m allergic to tomatoes. There’s both ketchup and tomatoes on this. Could this year get any worse?”

Garcia, like many people, has taken to reading the news only in short bursts, reinforced with Xanax and a box of kittens he keeps around specifically to offset the negativity of world events.

“Ketchup and tomatoes both, man,” he repeated in a desolate monotone. “Ketchup and tomatoes both.”