Month: January 2017

Nation Never So Glad To Have Incompetent Government

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As the Trump Administration continued to fitfully spit out mind-boggling executive orders, a weary nation reflected that, for once, the government’s incompetence is avowedly and unreservedly a good thing for the country.

“At this point, it’s easier to count the number of executive actions Trump has made which are constitutional than unconstitutional,” said University of Chicago law professor Karen Stein. “The good news is that this means the bans on falafel and algebra can probably be ignored. The bad news is that there may not be enough federal judges available to properly process the sheer number of unconstitutional rules flying out of the White House.”

The White House appears to be publishing executive orders written by Breitbart magnate and Trump confidant Stephen Bannon without any reference to existing legal resources, the Constitution, or indeed even Wikipedia.

“It’s like Trump’s executive orders are alt-right fanfiction, written by a middle-schooler who failed US History,” said Stein with a horrified fascination. “If Trump’s people knew what they were doing, this would all be much, much worse.”

The ACLU is confident that virtually everything Trump has said or done can be successfully challenged in court. However, there is some concern that Trump’s unconstitutional actions will outstrip the ability of the courts to undo them.

“The Supreme Court can only deal with about 130 cases a year,” said Stein. “Trump’s already generated enough material for 45 cases, and he’s just a week in. This could get pretty ugly.”

Onion Forced To Rewrite Story Six Times To Stay Ahead of Reality

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Editors at famed satirical publication The Onion expressed frustration with the incoming Trump administration, complaining that the White House’s ludicrous actions were overtaking their best satirical efforts on an hourly basis.

“We had this great piece about Trump locking down the USDA because he didn’t agree with the way they evaluate Vitamin D,” said Onion editor Paul Olantro. “Then he goddamned well actually did it. So we came up with another piece about the EPA. And then he locked them down too. It’s a moving target – we can’t stay ahead of them.”

The Onion tried a lateral move, fabricating a feud between the White House and the manufacturers of an obscure niche ice cream product, but that move proved futile as well.

“We thought a feud with Dippin’ Dots was about as absurd a thing as you could ask for,” grumbled Olantro. “Dippin’ Dots for crying out loud. They’re the polka dots of the dessert world. Seemed safely ludicrous to us. We had some great comments from Area Man, too. But Sean Spicer already used them all.”

Some have theorized that the Onion may actually be predicting the future, or even inspiring the White House to new heights of lunacy. Olantro disputed such notions, but sources off the record indicate that the Onion is cautiously scrubbing planned stories about Trump starting a war with Canada and revoking the citizenship of everyone living in California.

“I never thought being a humorist would be so challenging,” said Olantro. “It’s almost like we’ve become actual journalists. Area Man would not approve.”

Ringling Brothers Circus to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration

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Troubled entertainment franchise Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, which recently announced it may need to close due to financial difficulties, has announced that it will perform at Trump’s inauguration.

“We’re honored to be the first actual circus to perform at a presidential inauguration,” said Ringling Brothers CEO Kenneth Feld. “We don’t usually do events like this. But frankly, at this point, we can’t afford to say no.”

The circus is one of America’s most famous entertainment franchises, having been in operation for over 140 years. Attendance has suffered in recent years, however, as the circus has had to contend with an exponentially expanding array of entertainment choices and animal rights activists protesting the circus’ use of large animals such as elephants and tigers.

“I can tell you this, the President-elect is delighted to have The Greatest Show on Earth performing at, well, The Greatest Show on Earth, which is what this inauguration will be,” said Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway. “And I can tell you right now that Donald Trump absolutely does not give a crap what you do to those animals. As long as it’s entertaining, he’s all in.”

The Secret Service has refused to comment on the logistics of accommodating the circus’ enormous collection of performers, trailers, and animals, although one agent said anonymously that there was “plenty of space” left in the inauguration and that they probably had room left for another circus if need be.

Despite the controversy of performing for the incoming President, Feld is optimistic that the performance marks a new beginning for the circus.

“Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved,” beamed Feld. “I can’t wait to bill him. Do you think he’ll pay us quickly?”

President Obama Surprises Joe Biden with Nuclear “Football”

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In a special surprise ceremony, President Obama presented Vice President Joe Biden with the nuclear “football,” the case containing the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal.

“I am totally undeserving of this honor,” said the surprised Biden, who wiped away tears as a Marine in dress uniform ceremonially handcuffed the briefcase to Biden’s wrist. “But undeserving is sort of relative these days. You’re a wise man, Barry.”

Traditionally, when a President leaves office, the keys to the nuclear arsenal are passed to his successor.

“Do I even need to explain why that would be a bad idea?” Obama told the astonished reporters present. Republican party leaders protested half-heartedly, but even Mitch McConnell couldn’t object. The Senate Majority Leader gets a twitch in his eye whenever the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” are mentioned in the same sentence.

Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20, and decided it would be better not to keep something so dangerous on his person.

“Cops will shoot a black man for carrying a ballpoint pen because it looks dangerous,” said Obama. “What do you think they’d do to a black man carrying nuclear launch codes?”