The Boy Scouts of America organization, facing outrage from current and former scouts following President Trump’s speech at the national Jamboree, is quietly investing enormous funds and effort into the rapid development of a time machine.
“Doesn’t have to be great, doesn’t have to include wifi, just has to get us back in time a little bit,” muttered a well-placed anonymous spokesman from the office of Boy Scouts of America. “Just a little goddamn bit.”
Trump addressed thousands of youths at the annual Jamboree, and to absolutely nobody’s surprise except, apparently, the management of the Boy Scouts, spent the entire speech fulminating about his political enemies, accusing President Obama of high crimes, and alluding to wild sex on yachts as a sign of success.
To the dismay of former scouts everywhere, the BSA has so far issued only a terse statement noting that the organization is “wholly non-partisan.” This has not been adequate for, well, anyone.
“I can’t think of a way to express my outrage,” said Irving Wensler, a former Eagle scout as far as you know. “Everything that can be said about this president has already been said. It’s quite depressing to spend time crafting a five-minute profanity-laden disparaging speech and then realize that someone at the Washington Post said the exact same thing a month ago.”
Although the secret BSA time travel research is not public yet, the known world is eagerly anticipating the results.
“Earn that damn ‘Fix History’ badge, boys,” said Wensler. “Earn that goddamn fucking badge.”