Terrence Haston, 32, has been campaigning for a variety of Republican candidates nearly all his adult life. Now that the 2016 Iowa Caucuses are finally here, he is finding that life after the Caucus consists of a terrifying and unknown future.
“We’ve been focusing on Iowa forever,” lamented Haston, who lit a cigarette with shaking hands as he stood outside the Ted Cruz campaign headquarters in Urbandale. “All our efforts have been focused on this single moment. Nothing else has mattered. But it never occurred to me to wonder what would come next.”
Unlike in many countries, where election season is limited to a period of weeks or months, American election seasons are virtually limitless. The main limitation on campaigns has traditionally been a lack of funds, but thanks to the Citizens United decision by the US Supreme Court, spending is now no object and legions of unknown corporate cabals are feverishly pumping millions into the coffers of anyone whose agenda is remotely compatible with theirs, or who seems especially corruptible.
“They punish us for watching shows that aren’t on Fox,” Haston whispered. “They ripped out all the pages from my Far Side calendar after February 1. I left my wife and sold my house to pay for these flyers,” he said, showing a set of fear mongering mailers which threaten jail time and eternal damnation, or both, for people who don’t participate in the Caucuses. “It was all worth it, Ted said. He promised me!”
It is unlikely, in point of fact, that Haston has been campaigning for the Iowa Caucuses his entire life, as he is only ten years younger than Ted Cruz. However, like most millennials, he has the attention span of a goldfish and relies on Fox reruns and Google for his long-term memory.
When asked whether he considered that Ted Cruz might go on to win the election, Haston scoffed.
“C’mon. I’m not delusional.”