Tag: election

Viewers Angry that Media Keeps Reporting On Things

fingers_in_ears

People from all walks of life have had it up to here with the media’s rampant insistence on reporting the news, however indirectly, according to a survey commissioned by the Huffington Post.

“When I check the news each morning, I expect to see favorable reviews of bands I like, tips on catching Mewtwo in Pokémon Go, and uplifting stories about dogs which think they are people,” said Courtney Barker, 28, of Baltimore. “It’s just election this and Aleppo that and something something salmonella FDA. Who cares about this crap?”

Analysts have been lambasting media outlets left and right for their increasing departure from traditional standards of ethical reporting, which has led to skewed and highly compartmentalized portrayals of contemporary politics and life events. However, they were surprised to learn that the general public wants less, not more, reporting.

“Sixty eight percent of survey respondents said they did not care whether we called out Donald Trump on his falsehoods, provided that we included a shocking picture of a Kardashian in the sidebar,” said Huffington Post news editor Freya Larson. “Look, we only did this survey to get our advertisers to take us seriously as a news outlet. We didn’t expect some newsworthy results like this.”

Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.

“On the one hand, the public’s rampant disinterest in what you might call ‘objective truth’ is a critically important issue that – hypothetically – warrants serious attention from reporters and policy makers alike,” said Larson. “On the other hand, that piece we ran about the panda bear with its own Twitter feed is going to get ten times the traffic as this story. So I’m just going to start drinking now, if you don’t mind.”

Ontological realists the world over greeted the HuffPo survey with gloom and a lot of bourbon. Metaphysical idealists, however, while optimistic about the results, asserted that the survey is no more valid an idea than anything else dreamed up about the world and that we should just all go about our business and stick to Facebook friends who validate our belief systems.

 

Pharma-Bro Shkreli Announces Presidential Bid During Super Bowl

Shkreli for President 2016

The most reviled person in America demonstrated both balls and the existence of hidden offshore bank accounts when he dropped $5 million on a Super Bowl ad in which he announced his candidacy for President.

“You want a leader who can stand up to Washington?” said the smarmy sociopath in the ad. “C’mon. I just spent two hours giving Congress the middle finger to its face. Literally. I make Trump look like an amateur.”

Shkreli came to the public’s attention last year for notoriously hiking the price of a long-established drug by five thousand percent “because.” Since then he’s stayed in the limelight for first offering a half-hearted promise to lower the price, then reneging on that promise, then getting indicted for fraud, then blowing $2 million on a Wu Tang Clan album.

“He’s like a living click-bait generator,” grinned Carmine Frankowski, politics editor at BuzzFeed. “It’s marvelous. He keeps topping himself with new feats of dickery. The only thing this story doesn’t have is a hot girlfriend, maybe a porn star or something, you know, a hot ass we can put up next to Shkreli’s punchable face. Then the story would achieve maximum internet gravity.”

Shkreli’s announcement came as a surprise to everyone, not least because the entirety of his campaign organization seems to consist of the Super Bowl ad. Nonetheless, he immediately rocketed up in the polls past every Republican candidate and is projected to win New Hampshire by 30 points, despite not actually being on the ballot.

Democratic hopefuls Clinton and Sanders declined to comment on Shkreli’s candidacy, though Sanders offered to “punch the putz in the face” as a public service.

“On the one hand, he doesn’t have any policy positions, other than just being a dick,” said statistician Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com. “On the other hand, that’s sort of become the main qualification for being a Republican candidate this election cycle.”

“My Gun is Voting for Bernie Sanders: I Want a Divorce”

Man Vs Gun

The heated tone of the primary season has claimed another casualty as a Maine man seeks to divorce his partner after learning that she plans to vote Democratic, and for Bernie Sanders at that.

“Talk about betrayal,” fumed Prescott Harris, of Eastport, Maine. “Clarissa promised to love, honor, and obey, not vote for some socialist Jew.”

Prescott Harris made headlines last year when he was the first man in New Hampshire granted a license to marry Clarissa, his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle. Although not the first person to wed his firearm, his was the first officially sanctioned by a sitting governor. According to sources at the time, Governor Paul LePage approved nineteen unconventional marriage licenses in the wake of the US Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage. “I figure everything’s up for grabs,” growled LePage. “What’s the difference. Might as well let people marry their goddammed Chevy Tahoes.”

Harris and Clarissa were married in a small church service attended by close friends, family, and a hundred and five firearms. He told the press that Clarissa “hadn’t left his side for years” and that he planned to spend the rest of his life with her.

Until, that is, he found out that she was a registered Democrat.

“Sanders’ position on gun control is much more moderate,” said Clarissa. “He understands the differences between rural and urban environments. His approach just seems to make more sense than the Republican ticket. They’re tripping over each other to promise everyone can be with their guns all the time. I mean, sometimes I just wanna be left alone, you know?”

Harris was particularly upset because his normal reaction to things that make him angry is to go shoot trees in the woods with Clarissa.

“I had to use one of the kids, goddamn it,” he said, brandishing a Glock that he and Clarissa adopted last fall. “Had to take him right outta school. But I couldn’t wait.”

It is the first time anyone has tried to divorce a gun, and the NRA is watching the case closely.

“Didn’t know they got a vote,” said NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, casting a nervous sidelong glance at the Magnum 357 who serves as his secretary. “Maybe there’s a few things we oughta rethink here.”