Animal-rights groups have condemned notorious military breakfasteer Cap’n Crunch for allegedly assassinating archival Toucan Sam with a drone attack over the weekend.
“There were only four talking toucans in the world, and thanks to Crunch, now we’re down to three,” said PETA regional commander Gray Huntsworth. “We’re talking the loss of an invaluable resource. His nose was irreplaceable. It always knew. Who do you think trained all those bomb-sniffing dogs?”
“Got that self-righteous bastard, didn’t we!” cackled Crunch in a leaked cellphone video. “Your goddamned nose didn’t smell this coming, did it!” The diminutive naval commander can clearly be seen hopping with glee as the drone delivered two Hellcat missiles directly to the palm tree where Sam’s international cereal production headquarters were located.
Crunch and Sam have been bitter enemies since the toucan first swayed impressionable kids away from the sweet, but monotone, Cap’n Crunch towards the nuclear-colored Froot Loops. Crunch has since rolled out various multicolored variants of his products with increasing desperation, to no avail.
“The real problem is, Crunch is convinced that the CIA provided Sam with assistance,” confided a source at the Navy. “The private sector had been trying to develop superchromatic toroidal breakfast cereals for years. Sam could only have achieved that technological breakthrough by using classified government research.”
The future of Froot Loops is unclear; only Sam knew the full recipe. It turns out that his three nephews, who everyone assumed were being trained to take over the business, aren’t actually sentient birds but instead repeat things mindlessly.
Despite the magnitude of the crime, it’s unclear how or if Cap’n Crunch will be prosecuted, as the attack was conducted from international waters.
“Why do you think I run my operation from a ship?” chortled the diminutive cereal magnate, rubbing his hands together. “Arr, matey. Who wants some breakfast?”
