“My Gun is Voting for Bernie Sanders: I Want a Divorce”

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The heated tone of the primary season has claimed another casualty as a Maine man seeks to divorce his partner after learning that she plans to vote Democratic, and for Bernie Sanders at that.

“Talk about betrayal,” fumed Prescott Harris, of Eastport, Maine. “Clarissa promised to love, honor, and obey, not vote for some socialist Jew.”

Prescott Harris made headlines last year when he was the first man in New Hampshire granted a license to marry Clarissa, his AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle. Although not the first person to wed his firearm, his was the first officially sanctioned by a sitting governor. According to sources at the time, Governor Paul LePage approved nineteen unconventional marriage licenses in the wake of the US Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage. “I figure everything’s up for grabs,” growled LePage. “What’s the difference. Might as well let people marry their goddammed Chevy Tahoes.”

Harris and Clarissa were married in a small church service attended by close friends, family, and a hundred and five firearms. He told the press that Clarissa “hadn’t left his side for years” and that he planned to spend the rest of his life with her.

Until, that is, he found out that she was a registered Democrat.

“Sanders’ position on gun control is much more moderate,” said Clarissa. “He understands the differences between rural and urban environments. His approach just seems to make more sense than the Republican ticket. They’re tripping over each other to promise everyone can be with their guns all the time. I mean, sometimes I just wanna be left alone, you know?”

Harris was particularly upset because his normal reaction to things that make him angry is to go shoot trees in the woods with Clarissa.

“I had to use one of the kids, goddamn it,” he said, brandishing a Glock that he and Clarissa adopted last fall. “Had to take him right outta school. But I couldn’t wait.”

It is the first time anyone has tried to divorce a gun, and the NRA is watching the case closely.

“Didn’t know they got a vote,” said NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, casting a nervous sidelong glance at the Magnum 357 who serves as his secretary. “Maybe there’s a few things we oughta rethink here.”

Man Afraid of Iowa Caucus Conclusion, “Can’t Remember Life Before It”

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Terrence Haston, 32, has been campaigning for a variety of Republican candidates nearly all his adult life. Now that the 2016 Iowa Caucuses are finally here, he is finding that life after the Caucus consists of a terrifying and unknown future.

“We’ve been focusing on Iowa forever,” lamented Haston, who lit a cigarette with shaking hands as he stood outside the Ted Cruz campaign headquarters in Urbandale. “All our efforts have been focused on this single moment. Nothing else has mattered. But it never occurred to me to wonder what would come next.”

Unlike in many countries, where election season is limited to a period of weeks or months, American election seasons are virtually limitless. The main limitation on campaigns has traditionally been a lack of funds, but thanks to the Citizens United decision by the US Supreme Court, spending is now no object and legions of unknown corporate cabals are feverishly pumping millions into the coffers of anyone whose agenda is remotely compatible with theirs, or who seems especially corruptible.

“They punish us for watching shows that aren’t on Fox,” Haston whispered. “They ripped out all the pages from my Far Side calendar after February 1. I left my wife and sold my house to pay for these flyers,” he said, showing a set of fear mongering mailers which threaten jail time and eternal damnation, or both, for people who don’t participate in the Caucuses. “It was all worth it, Ted said. He promised me!”

It is unlikely, in point of fact, that Haston has been campaigning for the Iowa Caucuses his entire life, as he is only ten years younger than Ted Cruz. However, like most millennials, he has the attention span of a goldfish and relies on Fox reruns and Google for his long-term memory.

When asked whether he considered that Ted Cruz might go on to win the election, Haston scoffed.

“C’mon. I’m not delusional.”

Rubio Shoots at Megyn Kelly, Still Loses Debate

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Marco Rubio, in a bid to establish himself as the toughest guy on the podium, shot the moderator six times at the most recent Republican debate.

“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”

Moderator Megyn Kelly, who was wearing body armor underneath her blouse and tight skirt, was largely unharmed and continued to moderate the debate after Rubio’s attack.

“Roger Ailes has us all wear body armor,” said Kelly after the debate. “It’s the same stuff he wears himself. You can never be too paranoid, Roger says. But I was surprised Rubio was the first to shoot. I’ve been waiting for Trump to pull a gun on me for months.”

The other candidates on stage condemned Rubio for jumping the gun, so to speak.

“It was widely known that I was planning to shoot Megyn at the halfway mark,” sniffed Cruz. “Rubio doesn’t have an original idea in his head. And I was gonna use armor-piercing bullets with an automatic weapon, like the kind you cook bacon with.”

Despite being the first to shoot, Rubio was widely considered to have lost the debate, as pundits called his shooting both ineffective and in poor taste.

“Rand Paul was the real winner,” said Washington Post political affairs correspondent Maria Green. “He took out his six-shooters, spun them around like Annie Oakley, and spelled out ‘USA’ with bullets in the ceiling. That’s patriotic showmanship. Next to Paul, Rubio just looked like a thug.”

Lackluster underdog Jeb Bush muttered something about responsible gun use while he fumbled with a pearl-handled Derringer, which was apparently stuck in its holster.

 

British Tourist Faces American Burger Challenge, Dies

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Alan Stimpson, 37, of Leeds, UK, perished after valiantly attempting to down an 8 pound cheeseburger at Hungry Hal’s House of Beef in Stanton, PA.

“It’s both magnificent and horrifying,” tweeted Stimpson as the waitress placed the enormous burger before him. “Much like America, truth be told.” He live tweeted the meal until just before passing out from acute beef poisoning.

The House of Beef Burger Challenge includes 8 pounds of meat on a specially baked 18-inch bun, topped with a half-pound of cheddar, six tomatoes, and an entire jar of mayonnaise; the burger is served with a side of a pound of fries and two cups of macaroni and cheese. Any customer who eats the whole thing in 60 minutes or less gets the meal free.

Stimpson and his wife, Lucille, are minor Twitter celebrities in the UK, where they routinely live-tweet meals at restaurants throughout England. Their tweets, peppered with wry descriptions and plenty of pictures, have garnered more than 500 thousand followers.

“Coming to the US was like our Mount Everest,” said Lucille sadly. “Years of bangers and mash in the most unwholesome pubs, we thought we were ready. But there’s just no preparing for this.”

When it became clear that her husband was flagging and turning odd colors as he hesitantly forked mouthful after mouthful of the burger into his mouth, Lucille tried valiantly to help him by eating the macaroni, even though this violates the Hungry Hal’s terms of service.

“Don’t really know what the big deal is,” said Hal, owner of the restaurant. “Normally at least four or five people a week finish this challenge. Some stay for dessert as well. Brits can’t handle their beef I guess.”