Thanksgiving is around the corner: the one time of year when you are expected to show up and share a meal with people in your extended family you can’t stand. The uncle who hasn’t taken off his MAGA hat since August 2016. The judgmental religious cousin who questions your life choices both explicitly and implicitly with virtually every word and gesture. Hell, even your mom wants you to explain the tax bill in ‘simple terms she can understand.’ So what’s a hungry millennial to do?
We’ve got you covered. Exhaustive research by the professionals at the Canard Press newsroom has come up with the following seven no-fail tips to help you get through the day.
- Vodka.
- Tequila.
- Bourbon.
- Scotch.
- Beer, if you start drinking on Monday.
- Wine, but only in very large quantities.
- Don’t go. Seriously. You can’t cook your own damn turkey and stuffing? They sell turkey, like, 12 months a year. It’s not like it’s some rare product only available in November. And who even likes turkey? It’s basically a big fucking chicken. Close your eyes, taste them both, and tell me if you can tell the difference.
As for Black Friday, you’re on your own. Sorry.
